The Jazzy Bahsoun

Life's our oyster and we're gonna suck that bitch down with a champagne chaser.

Behavioral Therapist
MA Developmental Psychology, Columbia
BS Psychobiology/ French, UCLA

Shelfari: Book reviews on your book blog

Movies to See:
Mission Impossible
Haywire
Shame
A Dangerous Method
Underworld:Awakening

TV Shows to Watch:
Portlandia
The Life & Times of Tim

Book to Read:
Game of Thrones
by George R.R. Martin

Album to Listen to:
The Black Keys
El Camino

Person to Hate:
Newt Gingrich

Group of People to Despise:
Fox & Friends

Bitchin Links

Blogs and Writers of Note

Mary's Website

Mary's Blog

Ravi's Blog

Lauren's Blog

Cheryl's LiveJournal

TV Squad

The Soup

Cracked

Best Week Ever

The Chive

On Location Vacations

Cute Overload

Michael Moore's Blog

Joel Stein Columns

Maureen Dowd Columns

Secular Coalition of America

Richard Dawkins

Personal Stuff

My Facebook

My Twitter

My YouTube Videos

My DVD Collection

My Books

Machatz Self-Defense

For Politics and Political Satire

The Huffington Post

Salon.com

Politico

The Daily Beast

The Onion

The Colbert Nation

Truthdig

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart

For Entertainment

Ain't It Cool News

IGN

Rotten Tomatoes

DVD Active

Movie Stinger

AdTunes

The Daily Wav

Movie Mistakes

For Humor and Other Things

HuffPost Comedy

Funny or Die

The Lonely Island

Shit My Dad Says

F My Life

Daily Python

College Humor

Super Mario Crossover

People of Walmart

E-Mails from an Asshole

Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster

God Checker

Church Sign Maker

Strong Bad Email

Japander: See Actors Embarrass Themselves Abroad

Landover Baptist Church: Jesus Loves You Sometimes

For Bruins

The Daily Bruin

Bruins Nation

Bruin Basketball Report

UCLA Bruin Marching Band: The Solid Gold Sound

The REAL $UC Application

Old Stuff

March 2003
April 2003
May 2003
June 2003
July 2003
August 2003
September 2003
October 2003
November 2003
December 2003
January 2004
February 2004
March 2004
April 2004
May 2004
June 2004
July 2004
August 2004
September 2004
October 2004
November 2004
December 2004
January 2005
February 2005
March 2005
April 2005
May 2005
June 2005
July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
March 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
September 2007
November 2007
January 2008
March 2008
April 2008
May 2008
June 2008
July 2008
August 2008
September 2008
October 2008
November 2008
December 2008
January 2009
February 2009
March 2009
April 2009
May 2009
June 2009
July 2009
August 2009
September 2009
October 2009
November 2009
December 2009
January 2010
February 2010
March 2010
April 2010
June 2010
August 2010
November 2010
December 2010
February 2011
April 2011
May 2011
July 2011

Monday, May 30, 2005
Let Me Stand Next to Your...Fire
Today was the UCLA Jazz Festival and it was scorching on stage and in the sky. Clad with sunburnt skin, fried catfish, funnel cake and my ears wide open, I delved into the festivus (for the rest of us) with open arms. Surrounded by soul food, african crafts and bongs, the ambiance was something seldom experienced in Los Angeles. The Jazz festival was not only an opportunity to listen and watch some great bands but also experience the African-American culture that we don't see often in our everyday lives.
Here are a few select pictures from the festival. All pictures can be found on My Yahoo Photos, at your discretion.

The festival before the horde descends upon it
Image hosted by Photobucket.com

"Dude, you know what would be soo totally awesome....T-shirts...with like pictures on them."
"Dude, I was JUST thinking that."
"Dude...You just blew my mind."
Image hosted by Photobucket.com

It's ALMOST symmetrical.
Best food evar.
Image hosted by Photobucket.com

One cool cat of a DJ, Garth Trinidad, host of Chocolate City on KCRW.
Image hosted by Photobucket.com

The UCLA Jazz Ensemble. You know you couldn't get through an event at UCLA without a "GO BRUINS!"
Image hosted by Photobucket.com

The Nolan Shaheed Quintet, complete with bitchin ethnic attire...and a couple Armani suits as well.
Image hosted by Photobucket.com

Collect them all.
Image hosted by Photobucket.com

The souliest soul sistah I've ever seen, Sheree Brown.
Image hosted by Photobucket.com

What did the microphone say to the singer?
Your wisdom teeth are coming in nicely.
If you can think of a better punchline, please, let me know.
Image hosted by Photobucket.com

"One of these is not like the others...one of them just doesn't belong."
Image hosted by Photobucket.com

Now that's how you get DOWN!
Image hosted by Photobucket.com

THAT'S where that cloud of tantalizing smells came from.
Image hosted by Photobucket.com

There was something about Dwele that didn't sit right with me....
Image hosted by Photobucket.com

Perhaps it was the way he artificially mingled with the crowd...
Image hosted by Photobucket.com

I actally think it was the way he held his mike. The angle is just too perfect.
Image hosted by Photobucket.com

The US is the most obese country in the world!? HA! What a load of hogwash! Sweet...juicy...hogwash.
Image hosted by Photobucket.com

Endless mass of heads.
Ok, extra points to the person who thinks up the best thought bubble for the woman sitting two seats from the left in the black shirt, in the front of the picture. Have at it.
Image hosted by Photobucket.com

Now HERE'S who I came for, Roy Hargrove and The RH Factor.
Image hosted by Photobucket.com

The Miles Davis of today.
Image hosted by Photobucket.com

The most well-rounded band in the world. Brilliant winds, percussion and vocals.
Image hosted by Photobucket.com

"HEY! THE SHOW'S IN FRONT OF YOU! Bitch."
Image hosted by Photobucket.com

"WE JAMMIN!"
Image hosted by Photobucket.com

Something in the distance caught the bassist's attention. We don't know what, we don't know who. But it was absolutely mesmerizing.
Image hosted by Photobucket.com

In conclusion, ladies and gentlemen...Black Power!
Image hosted by Photobucket.com

What a way to bring one's mind to peace....before the utter mayhem of finals that is to come. Through the storm of life and its follies, a flurry of light appeared. The light of jazz and funk. And it was good.

Black power to us all.
4:52 AM
Comments

Share

Friday, May 27, 2005
No Soup for You!
It has always been my belief that it's the little things in life that make it worth living. Such is the case when yesterday I only had one class from 9am-10am since my other noon class was cancelled. Driving home, I realized that I could go get a nutritious, wholesome breakfast at everyone's favorite promoter of heart disease, McDonalds. There's something about places like McDonalds that remind you of an earlier time, a (some say) better time, when we were younger, getting those happy meals with those tantalizing toys. We loved those symbols of childhood, despite the gastric bypass surgery that would result from so many visits. Collect them all? Oh I'll collect them all. No matter what it takes.

I drove on over to the fast food establishment close to where I live at around 10:30, hoping to get an Egg McMuffin or two...or maybe even a Sausage McMuffin. Thinking of the possibilities made me giddy with joy. Walking up to the counter to order, I realized the menu for breakfast was no longer up. Instead, the regular burger menu was up. But there were so many people there. They couldn't have been there to get a Big Mac with supersize fries this early in the morning....could they?

"Welcome to McDonalds."
"Uh thanks...you...too"
"How can I help you?"
"Are you guys still serving breakfast?"
"No...it's over."

Now is that a response to a query from a hungry teenager regarding the most important meal of the day? This response was such a shock to me, I could barely think of a response. Here is the conversation replayed to show how I heard it.

"Welcome to McDonalds."
"Uh thanks...you...too"
I always do that. Note to self: think of a better response next time. Don't welcome people back.
"How can I help you?"
Oh you can help me.
"Are you guys still serving breakfast?"
"NO. IT'S OVER!"
"But...it can't be!"
"OOOOOVVVEEEERRRRRR!!!!"
"This...this isn't possible...it's only 10:30 in the morning!"
"DID YOU JUST GET HERE?! WE START LUNCH AT 10:30 TO PLEASE ALL THE HORDES LARGE, LARGE PEOPLE! LOOK AROUND YOU!!"
"But...I don't understand!"
"It's not meant to be understood....Now, GET OUT!!"
"I....I..."
"OUT!!!"

This conversation with Anna-Maria was severly damaging not only to my stomach, but to my psyche as well. How could they end breakfast that early? And not only was the truth hurtful, but it was the way Anna-Maria delivered it. It's over. So... final. Irreversible. That's not a way to deliver such horrific news that breakfast is no longer being served. It's kicking someone while they're down is what it is.

So I went home, to wallow in my ordinary Frosted Flakes, wondering if they were really that grrreat. I decided that they weren't. And as Bob Barker announced the prize for the next game, I wondered. I wondered about what could have been. Would life have been different if I had that Sausage Egg McMuffin by my side? I suppose it's to soon to tell. One thing is for certain. Anna-Maria will always be there. Serving as a reminder of a lost past.

A past without hash browns, a past without McMuffins, a past without hope.

But seriously, who gets a Quarter Pounder with cheese at 10:30 in the morning??
2:55 PM
Comments

Share

Thursday, May 26, 2005

You scored as Anakin Skywalker.

Anakin Skywalker

72%

Chewbacca

61%

R2-D2

56%

General Grievous

56%

Mace Windu

53%

Yoda

50%

Darth Vader

47%

C-3PO

47%

Padme Amidala

44%

Emperor Palpatine

36%

Obi Wan Kenobi

33%

Clone Trooper

31%

Which Revenge of the Sith Character are you?
created with QuizFarm.com

8:56 PM
Comments

Share

Monday, May 23, 2005
A Taste of Seamist
Inspired by a certain Mr. Dehar's query to a certain restaurant, I was decided to contact the makers of the best thing on earth: White Cranberry Juice with Peach. I wrote this letter while studying psychology last night (reading about ADHD.....I kid you not) and my study daze, I think, comes out in my wording...it's for the best though, I reckon.

Dear Sir or Madam,
I am writing this email to basically compliment you on your fantastic product White Cranberry Juice with Peach. I discovered this juice a few weeks ago and I have to tell you, I haven't been the same since. In fact, I think I'm a better man because of the delectable drink. Not only is it refreshing and thirst quenching but the uncanny blend of white cranberry and peach is like none other. Now, I am still a fan of the regular White Cranberry Juice and White Cranberry with Strawberry Juice but it is the White Cranberry with Peach that has taken my heart.I also wanted to make a suggestion of other possible blends with white cranberry. Perhaps a tropical line of juices such as White Cranberry with Mango, White Cranberry with Guava or White Cranberry with Kiwi. This is just some food for thought (or juice for thought...as the case may be) Again, I commend you on a fantastic product and thank you very much.

Sincerely, Pasha Bahsoun

Now here is the somewhat underwhelming response from Gemelyn (what you get when a gremlin and a precious stone, mate) from Oceanspray consumer affairs. Although it is fairly professionally written, the response is a victim of standardized corporate responses, never giving detail or evoking emotion. Nonetheless, I'm glad they responded.

Dear Pasha:

Thank you for visiting us at www.oceanspray.com.

"Good for you, America" has been an Ocean Spray theme for many years. We truly stand behind this theme. Producing high quality food products is our primary goal. Your encouraging words let us know that we are accomplishing this.

Over the past several years, Ocean Spray has brought you many exciting new products. You can be sure that we will continue to develop new and innovative products to meet your needs!

We appreciate your taking the time to share your thoughts with us, as it is always enjoyable to hear from consumers who enjoy our products. Please be assured that our Research & Development personnel keep up on new package and product variations that might further benefit our growers. You may be sure that every alternative is considered at some point. At this time there are no plans to market the product you suggested. We regret that our answer could not be more favorable.

If we can be of any further assistance, please feel free to e-mail us again or contact us by phone at 1-800-662-3263 Monday through Friday 9-4 EST. When responding, please reference the case number located at the bottom of this e-mail.

Thank you,
Gemelyn
Ocean Spray
Consumer Affairs

# 5,195,158

The basic purpose of my sharing of this experience is to convey the fact that it is best to contact large corporations when you're working on 5 hours of sleep and have been studying something for at least 16 hours. And I implore each and every one of you. White Cranberry Juice with Peach is here for you to enjoy, so indulge in this fine product.

Sweet, divine nectar of Olympus. How I praise you.
8:14 PM
Comments

Share

Friday, May 13, 2005
The Physics of Brain Farts
Coming out of a Physics exam that I bombed, I feel it is necessary to discuss the quirks and kinks of the organ we call the brain.

We've all experienced what we in the professional world call a "brain fart." This occurs in situations like the following:
"Jimmy, what is 7 x 2?"
"Uuuuhhhhh......"
"Jimmy, it's not a hard question."
"UUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHH."
"..."
*CLICK*
"Fourteen!!"
"Thank you, Jimmy."
Now it is important to note that Jimmy is a graduate student in computer sciences at the University of Alabama, Birmingham. (I know, I know..I didn't know they had computers in Alabama either)

Now a brain fart is most volatile when it is not followed by the saving grace of the *click* that allows us to access the information in our brain that the fart is blocking. This is when the brain fart is at its most dangerous because by the time a click comes, if there even is one, it's too late. Take the following example of me buying a gourmet trader's bowl (also known as garbage medley bowl) at the Bombshelter just today.
"That'll be $5.24."
"Alrighty here's a 5...but wait for it! I've got a quarter!" Editor's note: Don't you just love it when you have near exact change!
"So how did 4W go for you?" At this point in the conversation the fart has been exhumed and neurons are just firing in the wrong places, frantically searching for either what 4W signifies or if this person looks familiar.
"....wha?"
"You know. English 4W...last quarter... With Professor Devine?"
Of course! Idiot. You took English 4W last quarter.
"You don't remember me do you?"
"Uuuuhhh."
There were only 20 people in the damn class. You had better remember her.
Glancing down at her name tag I realize that I do remember her....and she sat next to me in class.
"Oh man of course! Yeah you sat right next to me!"
"Yeaaaahhh"
"Well...now I'm embarrassed."
"Tee hee."
"Yeah...yeah it went pretty well for me. You?"
"It went well for me too."
"Awesome...well, I'll see you later."
"Alright. Nice seeing you again."
At this point, the conversation has ended. I kind of redeemed myself by drawing attention to my foolishness. But did I realize this? Of course not. Followed by a proverbial brain fart came what no one else saw coming.
"You know...I think it was the glasses you're wearing...I...didn't recognize you with the glasses."
"I always wear these glasses."
"Oh...ok then....the hat then?"
"Maybe."
"Ok...........bye."
Yes ladies and gentlemen. As if the brain fart wasn't enough, a brain puke had to follow. This can be described by moments when you know you should stop talking, but alas, you do not. The neurons just keep afirin', and you just keep on ayakkin'.

I suppose lapses in brain function are what makes us human. What makes us tell these embarrassing stories to others. What keeps us going through the day. Sure they can be pretty awful, (especially when you have a 50 minute brain fart during a physics exam) but without them, we'd have brain indigestion. Without the passing of brain gas, and the exhuming of brain vomit, what would be but cyborgs. Unfeeling, unembarrassed, unhuman.

Although being a cyborg would be kind of cool. You could have like a laser on your right arm...and...and a shoulder-mounted rocket launcher......totally bitchin.

So go through your days, young ones, taking on these kinks of your ever-changing brain as they come because it is not whether they come or not that makes you who you are, but how you take them on and overpower them. Because without this power, who are we but a bunch of Paris Hiltons roaming the earth. And that, my friends, is what we call the apocalypse.
3:42 PM
Comments

Share

Thursday, May 12, 2005
It's Death Week
And you know what that means! Procrastination + Midterms = Surveys!

Your brain: 80% interpersonal, 120% visual, 100% verbal, and 100% mathematical!

Congratulations on being 400% smart! Actually, on my test, everyone is. The above score breaks down what kind of thinking you most enjoy doing. A score above 100% means you use that kind of thinking more than average, and a score below 100% means you use it less. It says nothing about how good you are at any one, just how interested you are in each, relatively. A substantial difference in scores between two people means, conclusively, that they are different kinds of thinkers.

Matching Summary: Each of us has different tastes. Still, I offer the following advice, which I think is obvious:

Don't date someone if your interpersonal percentages differ by more than 80%.
Don't be friends with someone if your verbal percentages differ by more than 100%.
Don't have sex with someone if their math percentage is over 200%.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 70% on interpersonal
You scored higher than 82% on visual
You scored higher than 80% on verbal
You scored higher than 68% on mathematical

Link: The 4-Variable IQ Test written by chriscoyne on Ok Cupid

2:00 AM
Comments

Share

Tuesday, May 03, 2005
Ok this is either hilarious...
Or extremely disturbing.

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

Protect our troops - from the womb to the war. What if the fetus you were going to abort would grow up to be a soldier bringing democracy to a godless dictatorship?

Plastic replica of an 11-12 week old fetus, 3" long, holding a firearm in its precious little hand, with an assortment of other military paraphernalia, encased in a translucent plastic ornament, with a patriotic yellow ribbon on top. Includes a metal ornament hanger. If only a womb were this safe, attractive and reasonably priced!

Show that you support the "culture of life" by buying and proudly displaying one of these patriotic unborn Americans.

Also available in a Brown model.

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

Buddha bless you all.

4:45 AM
Comments

Share

Sunday, May 01, 2005
Best. Boondocks. Ever.

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

8:06 PM
Comments

Share