Life's our oyster and we're gonna suck that bitch down with a champagne chaser.




  • Behavioral Therapist
  • MA Developmental Psychology, Columbia
  • BS Psychobiology/ French, UCLA




  • Movies to See:
    Mission Impossible
    Haywire
    Shame
    A Dangerous Method
    Underworld:Awakening


  • TV Shows to Watch:
    Portlandia
    The Life & Times of Tim


  • Book to Read:
    Game of Thrones
    by George R.R. Martin


  • Album to Listen to:
    The Black Keys
    El Camino


  • Person to Hate:
    Newt Gingrich


  • Group of People to Despise:
    Fox & Friends




 

Bitchin Links


Blogs and Writers of Note

Mary's Website

Mary's Blog

Ravi's Blog

Lauren's Blog

Cheryl's LiveJournal

TV Squad

The Soup

Cracked

Best Week Ever

The Chive

On Location Vacations

Cute Overload

Michael Moore's Blog

Joel Stein Columns

Maureen Dowd Columns

Secular Coalition of America

Richard Dawkins


Personal Stuff

My Facebook

My Twitter

My YouTube Videos

My DVD Collection

My Books

Machatz Self-Defense


For Politics and Political Satire

The Huffington Post

Salon.com

Politico

The Daily Beast

The Onion

The Colbert Nation

Truthdig

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart


For Entertainment

Ain't It Cool News

IGN

Rotten Tomatoes

DVD Active

Movie Stinger

AdTunes

The Daily Wav

Movie Mistakes


For Humor and Other Things

HuffPost Comedy

Funny or Die

The Lonely Island

Shit My Dad Says

F My Life

Daily Python

College Humor

Super Mario Crossover

People of Walmart

E-Mails from an Asshole

Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster

God Checker

Church Sign Maker

Strong Bad Email

Japander: See Actors Embarrass Themselves Abroad

Landover Baptist Church: Jesus Loves You Sometimes


For Bruins

The Daily Bruin

Bruins Nation

Bruin Basketball Report

UCLA Bruin Marching Band: The Solid Gold Sound

The REAL $UC Application

















 
Old Stuff

March 2003

April 2003

May 2003

June 2003

July 2003

August 2003

September 2003

October 2003

November 2003

December 2003

January 2004

February 2004

March 2004

April 2004

May 2004

June 2004

July 2004

August 2004

September 2004

October 2004

November 2004

December 2004

January 2005

February 2005

March 2005

April 2005

May 2005

June 2005

July 2005

August 2005

September 2005

October 2005

November 2005

December 2005

January 2006

February 2006

March 2006

April 2006

May 2006

June 2006

July 2006

August 2006

September 2006

October 2006

November 2006

December 2006

January 2007

February 2007

March 2007

April 2007

May 2007

June 2007

July 2007

September 2007

November 2007

January 2008

March 2008

April 2008

May 2008

June 2008

July 2008

August 2008

September 2008

October 2008

November 2008

December 2008

January 2009

February 2009

March 2009

April 2009

May 2009

June 2009

July 2009

August 2009

September 2009

October 2009

November 2009

December 2009

January 2010

February 2010

March 2010

April 2010

June 2010

August 2010

November 2010

December 2010

February 2011

April 2011

May 2011

July 2011






 








































Photobucket
 
Saturday, September 19, 2009  
Pavlov's Human
There are times in one's life when one begins to question basic principles by which they live their lives. Whether this is a a basic understanding of humanity, the supernatural or otherwise...these fleeting moments can shake one to the core and shape the course of the rest of their lives.

Today, I experienced just one such event...and I fear I will never be the same again.

As I am a perpetually growing boy (or so my mom tells me), I require a large number of calories in order for me to perform at school and work, as these 5-year olds tend to be exhausting. However, as is often the case, I often do not run on a sufficient amount of nourishment, resulting in mid-day hunger pangs, which multiple Altoids do not cure, typically while I'm at work. Since one of my current employers is relentlessly hospitable, she has always said that I can feel free to get a drink or snack from their kitchen. I always turn down this offer, probably out of overt shyness masked as politesse, but today the pangs were getting to me, no one was home, so I thought I'd have a peak into the pantry, where there are usually Malomars and Granola Bars galore. Unfortunately, all of these were freshly bought and therefore sealed. So I had to look for something more accessible. After seconds of browsing, I spotted a winner. An open bag with the reliable "Newman's Own" brand label, as well as "Peanut Butter" emblazoned across the bottom. I stuck my hand in to help myself to 3 or 4 of these treats and went back to my job, taking no notice of Teddy the Yorkshire Terrier barking at me all along the way.

The first bite was underwhelming to say the lest. Bland and tasteless pretty much sums it up, without a trace of this alleged "Peanut Butter." I was under-nourished so I had another. Upon my swallowing of the third treat, I began to question what I was actually consuming. The pieces of this nefarious puzzle were coming together in my mind....

The word "treat" on the package.... Paul Newman holding a dog for some reason.... the terrier barking at me.... the faint taste of imitation chicken....

I returned to the pantry and brought the bag into the light, reading the stomach-churning words which I had skipped over in my free-loading stupor: "Newman's Own Organic PREMIUM DOG TREATS."

At that point, I was still chewing on the fourth barley flour enhanced treat. I dropped the bag to the floor and dashed to the kitchen garbage can and proceeded to untreat myself to these evil confections.

I now look back upon how juvenile and, frankly, American I was acting. I was hungry then and with impatience in my heart and barbarism on the brain, I rushed to fill my vacuuous belly, poisoning myself, and nearly perishing in the process. Were it not for what I learned in all of my years in Los Angeles (bulimia really is an art) I might not be writing this right now.

Paul Newman, I thought I could trust you.




8:27 PM
Comments

Share

 
This page is powered by Blogger.Humor Blog Top Sites