Life's our oyster and we're gonna suck that bitch down with a champagne chaser.

  • Behavioral Therapist
  • MA Developmental Psychology, Columbia
  • BS Psychobiology/ French, UCLA

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Wednesday, April 27, 2011  
Hip to Be Square
One of the very few (VERY few) advantages that New York has on Los Angeles is the nightlife. It's easy to just go out and find somewhere in one of the various hipster locales in Manhattan, without the woes of parking and traffic. That doesn't mean that nightlife in L.A. is non-existent... it's just hard to get to.

Now, people who know me well, know that I'm a big clubbing kinda guy (Read: Not a clubbing guy at all) and so when the opportunity arises to go to some such hip place that the kids have been talkin' about, I go for it.

And that is how, after going to a play at the Mark Taper Forum downtown a few weeks back, me and the lady decided to stick around downtown L.A. to check out the night scene, since we're never down there. With the help of Foursquare and the girlfriend's hip inclinations, we decided we would "hit up" The Edison.

There are few legends I believe, not least of which is the secret alleyway entry to nightclubs, only beknownst to a select few, such as the secret supermodel club George Costanza finds on "Seinfeld."

Also, the existence of bouncers.

Turns out the Edison has both of these. When the handy dandy GPS on my smartphone led us straight into an apartment building, where the Edison was clearly not located, we decided to think like a someone with street cred. "If I were a hipster, how would I enter a hot night spot.... Of course! Inside a nondescript door in an alleyway."

Which is precisely where it was, in the alley adjacent to the apartment building we attempted to break in to.

About 30 feet from the door a vertically challenge female bouncer approached me. The uncool alarm sounded in my brain, citing, "Oh shit! She knows I'm not hip."

Turns out, I had offended the alley in some other fashion.... literally.

"I'm sorry sir, but we only allow athletic shoes after 7pm."
"But I am wearing athletic shoes."
"I mean, we do not allow athletic shoes after 7pm."

At that moment, I was thinking two things. One, that this bitch is changing her story on me cause I'm not cool enough for her little club. And two, that my True Religion sneakers that I was wearing were way more expensive than my black dress shoes that I bought at Payless.

As we proceeded to consult Foursquare for our backup hip locale, I spotted a tall latino entering with black sneakers. In my whiniest voice possible, I said to the power-hungry female bouncer, "Heeeey, that guy is wearing athletic shoes. How come you're letting him in?"
"Oh uh well....he came... then left..... oh alright."

And just like that, with a tattle tale and a whine, we were in.

I have to say that despite the over-zealous female bouncer, the place was totally happenin'. We enjoyed dining and drinking, while being served by 2 chopsticks with breasts, who I thought was named Ivanka, but was probably named Candace or something, and observing what could only be summarized as a "Koreans-who-wear-skirts-so-short-you-can-see-their-bellybuttons" conference at the adjacent table. Upon observing this table for about a half hour, and seeing how they positioned their tiny frames onto the seats, the girlfriend remarked, "That Korean girl's vagina is touching her seat right now.... Ew I just touched my seat with my hand!!"

I also observed at least 5 other hipster douches wearing athletic shoes.

We still managed to have a good time, without getting bottle service, blacking out or being roofied. Even so, I believe my hip rating got kicked up a notch or two.

But then I tripped on my way out, and I was back to normal again.

12:21 AM


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