Life's our oyster and we're gonna suck that bitch down with a champagne chaser.

  • Behavioral Therapist
  • MA Developmental Psychology, Columbia
  • BS Psychobiology/ French, UCLA

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    Mission Impossible
    A Dangerous Method

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    The Life & Times of Tim

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    by George R.R. Martin

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    Fox & Friends


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Wednesday, April 27, 2005  
HMO? More like HM-NO!
It has been my recent observation that as people get older, our views on our personal health change. Now I am not taking into account those with hypochondriasis, somatization disorder or Munchhausen syndrome (thanks Psych127) but I'm talking about your normal every day 20 something to 40 something.

When I was younger, and I'm sure many of you did this too, I faked ailments left and right. Sometimes I was serious about them. (As serious as a 7 or 8 year old can be) But other times I just didnt want to go to school god dammit! I would try to convince my parents that I had a fever by putting the thermometer under hot water or running around the living room with the thermometer in my mouth. Now neither of these are by any means safe but I was desperate. I despised the 5th and 6th grade and was determined to avoid attending school as much as possible. These ploys usually didn't work but I have to admit, they did a couple of times.

Other times I just wanted either attention or sympathy of some sort. I would complain to my mom that my hair was falling out (like that made any sense) or that I was throwing up my brain (I think that was when I spit out a small, rod-like potato I had just eaten). I suppose that this is normal for many children to do. They want attention from loved ones and want to stay within the comforts of their own home. Why should they go to some horrific place like school when they could watch cartoons all day long?

As we get older, this is a different story. Instead of feigning illness, we try everything we can to stay as healthy as possible...I know I try to. If I feel the slightest inkling of a cold, I panic. I overdose on Nyquil, Tylenol and the like in hopes of stopping the cold in its tracks. I've been successful when I do this but sometimes the flu just gets the best of me. And boy do I get mad. I mean sure you don't have to go to class...but I need to go to class! There are only so many lectures in a quarter that you can't afford to miss any. Imagine me degenerating from not wanting to go to a 5th grade class where we would paint things and write stories (I don't remember what we did in 5th grade) to WANTING to go to Organic Chemistry lecture. I proclaim that I must go no matter how I feel. I know what you're thinking, "You bastard. Don't come to school when you're sick! You'll make everyone else sick!" And I think the same thing about people when I hear them hacking up a lung behind me. Luckily, thusfar, I have not had to go to class while I have a cold or flu.

This obsession with health extends into things you can't help or things that are hard to help. The smallest pimple or blemish drives a person mad. I mean, it's understandable because you want to look your best for the opposite sex but if they turn you down for a white head on your chin, it's not meant to be is it? doesn't really matter does it. Perfection must be had every waking minute does it not? One hair out of place, one blackhead too many, one hair that evaded a shaving, it all adds up. And so we check ourselves, we prod ourselves and we check again. Now I admit, I may check occasionally but the females overdo it a little...ok a lot. I mean Botox? Really? Hmmm wrinkles symbolizing experience and wisdom....or complete elimination of emotion. Plucking your eyebrows? A skinbrow isn't usually better than a big eyebrow. As long as you've got two, I'm good. Breast implants? ...Ok can't argue with that one.

When it comes down to it, perhaps it's because I've lived in Beverly Hills for 11 years, perhaps it's genetic predisposition, I don't know. But I, for one, want to be as healthy, as fit and as perfect as I can be. (Well it's not hard for me, if I do say so myself....I kid of course) Narcississm exists in all of us. Whether it be functional operation leading to a cosmetic one in my case (nose surgery to stop my allergies and a little shaveroo on the top of the nose). Or purely cosmetic (the Botox and the tattooed makeup). We are vicitims of our own minds leading us to believe that we must be as perfect as possible. Now don't come looking for some cliche moral saying, "It's what's on the inside that matters," because we know it, but honestly we don't care. Why should we be slobs when we can be as narcississtic as possible? There is such a thing as excessive worrying about our bodies (it's called Body Dysmorphic Disorder, kids) but a little popped pimple here, a little hair patted down there and we can be on our way to being a contributing part in Darwin's vision. To advance the human race, we must look our best... so that we may fuck as much as possible. Only then shall we evolve into the gods of tomorrow.

Or become emotionless, fatless, manequins of today.

3:21 PM


Thursday, April 14, 2005  
My Mom Always Told Me to Never Talk to Strangers...
But she never warned me to never sit next to them.
There is a reason that I'm a member of the Facebook group titled, "People Who Don't Like Sitting Next To Other People In Class Because they Need a Buffer Zone." What's the reason you ask?


Now, I don't mind it at all when my friends sit next to me in lecture. I like having someone there to to listen to my snide jokes about the professor. And I have zero problems with human contact...well female human contact. But today, at 9am pacific time, my buffer zone was violated, and I was violated. Now as if Chemistry Lab lecture isn't bad enough, (at 9am no less) I must also be subjected to the clutteriest (it's a word) asian girl in the history of everywhere. This bundle of disorganization plops down next to me (even when there are PLENTY of open seats elsewhere) and proceeds to unpack the suitcase she brought with her to lecture. Not only notes, oh no no. But a tape recorder (does anyone really want to listen to a man, who cannot speak English, lecture about chemistry ON TAPE?!), 3 folders (why she needed three I'll never know), a binder, a Motts strawberry apple sauce (if you're not going to go for regular apple sauce just don't go at all), a ziploc filled with paper towels (in case her apple sauce spontaneously combusted, no doubt), 2 pencils and a pen, and her arms. Now all this isn't that bad at first glance, but then, since she finally realized that the 4 square cm desk wasn't enough to hold her belongings, she proceeded to rest the lecture supplement on my left arm. Now I'm not talking the corner poked my arm. The entire paper...WAS ON MY FUCKING ARM. No, "Oh I'm sorry about that," or "Oh did you mind if I used your forearm as a bureau?" Nothing. I jiggled my arm occasionally to give her the signal to not encroach into my space. No results. So, I finally got fed up with having a foreign object on my arm so I finally dropped my arm abruptly and her papers fell on the floor. I laughed inside heartily.

So my revenge was had...wasn't it? Au contraire, mon frere.

Dr. Pang, as he usually does, elongates his vowels...and occasionally his consonants. For example, the phrase "This should be pretty easy," turns into, "Dis chood be preteh eeassEEEHHHH." I'm used to it by now but I still had a little snicker. But it is the bizarre thing he always used to say when he wanted us to imagine something... and he said it today after a loung drought. "Now dis isn't possible in the laaaaaAAAb, so imagine you haaaaaaaave magic goggles." MAGIC GOGGLES?! I had completely forgotten about this brilliant concept so when I heard him say this for the first time in a year I had a spit/laugh moment. You know, the spit-take laugh without the water. Upon doing this I realized my pack rat neighbor was giving me the evil eye. You know, the look you give the people behind you in movie theaters who are kicking your chair. You don't look all the way back but you tilt your head 90 degrees to the left or right, as if to threaten the person behind you with your rotating spine, and then you squint menacingly. This is commonly known as the evil eye. When I realized that I was on the receiving end of an evil eye (and I was directly to the right of her so I received the full force of the eye) I kept staring ahead but glanced out of her from the corner of my eye and squinted. THAT'S RIGHT. I countered her full on evil eye with the corner evil eye! Now this is arguably more powerful than the typical evil eye because you're not giving the receiver of the corner evil eye your full attention. You don't give them the pleasure of seeing you expend the energy it takes to turn your head and then squint. By only shifting your eyes to the right or left and then squinting, the power is magnified ten fold. (Note: Not an official estimate of power)

Dr. Pang finally summed up his endless lecture about intermediate ions and buffers (THE IRONY!!!!!) and we were cued to leave. My war with the assailant had been fought valiantly on both ends. I feel that I shall meet this adversary again one day and I know I'll be ready.

I also have found her Facebook profile so I know her email address and screename so I may torment her via the internet if I so choose. The stalker card is in my deck now. But for now, the battle shall be fought on even ground, in the lecture of Chemistry 14CL

1:19 PM


Tuesday, April 05, 2005  
This Post is the Definition of Random
But I have to write it anyway.

Here are some random thoughts that came to my mind over this past week that I felt I should share:
  • I have the stupidest dreams ever. Last night, I dreamt that Wayne Brady (yes THAT Wayne Brady) was fighting vampires and I was filming him. WTF!?
  • I also had an exceedingly long dream about me not being able to put on a tie properly.
  • I think living in L.A. has made me paranoid about earthquakes. I keep thinking that I'm feeling miniscule quakes...which makes me check the National Earthquake Information Center Website
  • I also keep thinking I'm Nostradamus or something cause I keep predicting earthquakes which never happen.
  • I find it absolutely hilarious that on April Fools Day, my Dilbert calendar indicated that April 1st was in fact Administrative Professionals Day.
  • Why is it that the Kleenex company finds it to be an enormous event that, "Beginning May 2005, each box of Kleenex Tissue 160-count will be increased to 200-count. That means more tissues!" Mark your calenders folks. Our prayers are about to be answered....the prayers about us not having enough...tissue.
  • Is it really necessary to cover the Pope's death this much?? Do we need 24 hour coverage of brain-washed catholics weeping over his dead body?? There are more important things happening in the world than an 84-year old man dying. Then again, he did wear a big hat..
  • My Psych professor sounds exactly like Wanda Sykes but looks like a female Little Richard...these observations could result from class being at 8 am
  • NEVER let a man whose name only consists of initials (ex. R.E.) take your belongings because you'll never see them again.
  • It's sad that us students, people striving to learn and be better people, are reduced to emailing professors to bargain for grades.
  • Even though I do watch a lot of TV, I try to extract themes and hidden messages from the shows I watch. Thus, watching 24 and Lost becomes like reading Joyce and Hemmingway.
  • I find it to be a very good/ very bad thing to psych myself up at the beginning of each quarter by thinking things like, "I'm gonna kick ALL of these classes in the ASS," because it gives me confidence but when my prophecy doesn't come true, my powers are depleted.
  • It is my medical assessment that my eyes burning and turning red after playing Xbox is, in fact, not a good thing.
  • People watch too many stupid movies. I'm guilty of this as well. We should stop watching movies starring Ashton Kutcher and Jamie Kennedy and start watching films by Orson Welles and foregin films that have meaning. We are a victim of the American Film Industry, buying into popular movies and turning our backs to the small, meaningful movies. This is not to say that some guilty pleasure movies like Pirates of the Caribbean and X-Men aren't good movies but we don't give enough attention to the Indie movies. When given a choice between Ten, a great, powerful Persian movie, The Pacifier or Star Wars the typical American would choose The Pacifier. Some might choose Star Wars, a great choice but we've seen it already. They should take a chance to watch that third movie that they've never heard of. Note: This will not, however dissuade me from watching Batman Begins or Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith.
  • The show Grey's Anatomy is one of the most brilliant shows on television even though it really scares me out of going into medical school. But these are surgery interns, not psychiatry so I guess I would have a different experience.
  • I hate Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, Ashton Kutcher and other teenie bopper bitches who get way too much exposure.
  • I love the excess medical dramas on TV nowadays and also the great "literary-TV" shows.
  • By literary TV shows I mean shows like Lost, House and Carnivale which are so well-written that they shouldn't be put on the level of other ridiculous TV shows that people watch like The Bachelor and Life on a Stick.
  • I'm going to need a lot of luck combined with a lot of hard work this quarter to survive a Physics lab, a killer Chemistry lab and a potential pseudo-internship at a psychiatry clinic in Santa Monica. It builds character though, non?
  • Arrested Devleopment needs much higher ratings. It's an outstandingly brilliant and funny show. WATCH IT!! ONLY FOUR EPISODES LEFT!!!
  • I love the Black Eyed Peas.
Courage and integrity, friends. Success shall be yours. And if not, then you can always go into politics.

Or become a lawyer.

Remember, life's our oyster and we're gonna suck that bitch down with a champagne chaser.

NOTE: Added several albums to My Yahoo Photos including Atlanta Trip 04, My Birthday 04, Women's BBall and a very special Gollum vs. Danny the Granite Guy.

6:31 PM


Saturday, April 02, 2005  

The End of Spring Break is at Hand
But it is fair to say that some rest and relaxation as well as a good share of fun has been had. Next quarter shall be a bitch, not unlike the last few but we shall persevere brothers and sisters. We shall overcome.

And now for some comic relief.

The US government has a new website, It's another attempt at scare mongering in the style of the old "duck and cover" advice after WWII.

The fun thing is that these pictures are so ambiguous they could mean anything! Here are a few interpretations.

If you have set yourself on fire, do not run

If you spot terrorism, blow your anti-terrorism whistle. If you are Vin Diesel, yell really loud.

If you spot a terrorist arrow, pin it against the wall with your shoulder

If you are sprayed with an unknown substance, stand and think about it instead of seeing a doctor.

Use your flashlight to lift the walls right off of you!

The proper way to eliminate smallpox is to wash with soap, water and at least one(1) armless hand.

Michael Jackson is a terrorist. If you spot this smooth criminal with dead, dead eyes, run the fuck away.

Hurricanes, animal corpses and the biohazard symbol have a lot in common. Think about it.

Be on the lookout for terrorists with pinkeye and leprosy. Also, they tend to rub their hands together manically.

If a door is closed, karate chop it open.

If your building collapses, give yourself a blowjob while waiting to be rescued.

Try to absorb as much of the radiation as possible with your groin region. After 5 minutes and 12 seconds, however, you may become sterile

After exposure to radiation it is important to consider that you may have mutated to gigantic dimensions: watch your head.

If you've become a radiation mutant with a deformed hand, remember to close the window. No one wants to see that shit.

If you hear the Backstreet Boys, Michael Bolton or Yanni on the radio, cower in the corner or run like hell.

If your lungs and stomach start talking, stand with your arms akimbo until they stop.

If you are trapped under falling debris, conserve oxygen by not farting.

If you lose a contact lens during a chemical attack, do not stop to look for it.

Do not drive a stations wagon if a power pole is protruding from the hood.

A one-inch thick piece of plywood should be sufficient protection against radiation.

Always remember to carry food with you during a terrorist attack. At least you'll be able to enjoy a nice coke and apple before you die.

3:11 AM


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