Life's our oyster and we're gonna suck that bitch down with a champagne chaser.

  • Behavioral Therapist
  • MA Developmental Psychology, Columbia
  • BS Psychobiology/ French, UCLA

  • Movies to See:
    Mission Impossible
    A Dangerous Method

  • TV Shows to Watch:
    The Life & Times of Tim

  • Book to Read:
    Game of Thrones
    by George R.R. Martin

  • Album to Listen to:
    The Black Keys
    El Camino

  • Person to Hate:
    Newt Gingrich

  • Group of People to Despise:
    Fox & Friends


Bitchin Links

Blogs and Writers of Note

Mary's Website

Mary's Blog

Ravi's Blog

Lauren's Blog

Cheryl's LiveJournal

TV Squad

The Soup


Best Week Ever

The Chive

On Location Vacations

Cute Overload

Michael Moore's Blog

Joel Stein Columns

Maureen Dowd Columns

Secular Coalition of America

Richard Dawkins

Personal Stuff

My Facebook

My Twitter

My YouTube Videos

My DVD Collection

My Books

Machatz Self-Defense

For Politics and Political Satire

The Huffington Post


The Daily Beast

The Onion

The Colbert Nation


The Daily Show with Jon Stewart

For Entertainment

Ain't It Cool News


Rotten Tomatoes

DVD Active

Movie Stinger


The Daily Wav

Movie Mistakes

For Humor and Other Things

HuffPost Comedy

Funny or Die

The Lonely Island

Shit My Dad Says

F My Life

Daily Python

College Humor

Super Mario Crossover

People of Walmart

E-Mails from an Asshole

Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster

God Checker

Church Sign Maker

Strong Bad Email

Japander: See Actors Embarrass Themselves Abroad

Landover Baptist Church: Jesus Loves You Sometimes

For Bruins

The Daily Bruin

Bruins Nation

Bruin Basketball Report

UCLA Bruin Marching Band: The Solid Gold Sound

The REAL $UC Application

Old Stuff

March 2003

April 2003

May 2003

June 2003

July 2003

August 2003

September 2003

October 2003

November 2003

December 2003

January 2004

February 2004

March 2004

April 2004

May 2004

June 2004

July 2004

August 2004

September 2004

October 2004

November 2004

December 2004

January 2005

February 2005

March 2005

April 2005

May 2005

June 2005

July 2005

August 2005

September 2005

October 2005

November 2005

December 2005

January 2006

February 2006

March 2006

April 2006

May 2006

June 2006

July 2006

August 2006

September 2006

October 2006

November 2006

December 2006

January 2007

February 2007

March 2007

April 2007

May 2007

June 2007

July 2007

September 2007

November 2007

January 2008

March 2008

April 2008

May 2008

June 2008

July 2008

August 2008

September 2008

October 2008

November 2008

December 2008

January 2009

February 2009

March 2009

April 2009

May 2009

June 2009

July 2009

August 2009

September 2009

October 2009

November 2009

December 2009

January 2010

February 2010

March 2010

April 2010

June 2010

August 2010

November 2010

December 2010

February 2011

April 2011

May 2011

July 2011


Tuesday, July 21, 2009  
Driving in a Recession
It's summer and that generally is synonymous with not doing anything productive. This hasn't changed since I was 5 years old, despite the occasional summer school hiccup, but since I bypassed that trap this summer and am unemployed, in this state anyway, I have nothing to do. However, I do force myself to wake up before noon 3 days a week for some personal training in Venice... which increases my time on the road, which inevitably leads to more chances to receive a traffic or parking violation.

Since I got my driver's permit way back in 2001, I have driven to and from my home in South Central Beverly Hills....obviously. As a result, I have become very skilled at turning onto Wilshire Blvd. from my street, as well as directly into the left turn lane to go onto La Cienega Blvd., which happens to be located one block west of me. The problem is, whether I am turning left from Wilshire onto my street to go home, or to turn right to go onto Wilshire, there are what we in the business call asshats blocking the intersection. This is called gridlock and is not the title of a Jason Statham movie but is instead, what some might call, illegal. This invariably leads to manuevers to weave around cars to faciliate the starting (or finish) line of my commute...which may or may not lead to alledgedly illegal activities, such as crossing a double yellow, albeit to avoid other illegal activities in the form of gridlock and general, typical L.A. driver arrogant doucheocity.

And of course, on one of the mornings where I force myself into my car at 9:30 am, an over-zealous Sheriff of some kind, obviously low on his quota due to the late time in the month, attempts to pulls me over after turning left onto La Cienega Blvd. I say attempts because I did not realize T-1000 following me on his shiny BMW police bike was actually signaling for me to pull over. I did one of the, "Who, me?" self-pointing hand gestures, which I later realized doesn't really work when you're in a car, and eventually pulled over half a block later.

"Ok ok chill Erik Estrada." (I thought to myself sarcastically.)
"License and registration please.... Do you know why I pulled you over?" Yes, they actually say this and I almost laughed in his face because it was so ridiculously self-parodizing.
"I can honestly say, no I do not."
"You crossed a solid double yellow line over there going into the left-turn lane."
"I did?"
"Yes, you did."
"Yeah." At this point, I was genuinely shocked that not only was this guy in a corner somewhere waiting for some miniscule infraction to cross his eye line, but I was actually caught for doing something every single driver everywhere does.

And he proceeds to write me a ticket, after failed attempts to make him realize how ludicrous this guy was, and indirectly, get him to admit that he was low on his ticket quota and/or he was pulling me over while I was DWSNM (Driving while Schwarzenegger needs money).

I was already running late, and Magruff was taking his sweet time writing the citation, so I decided my will my cojones to grow a little.

"Excuse me, officer?"
"Can you please explain to me how I am supposed to get into the left-turn lane from my street when everyone is blocking the intersection?"
"Well, you were fine, but then you crossed over the double yellow."
"Well I had no choice but to do that because if I remained perpendicular to on-coming traffic, then that's illegal as well, since I would be causing gridlock."
"Yeah...they really need to change that intersection."
"But you're still going to write me a ticket."

I thought I had him with my impeccable logic, but evidently those helmets of theirs repel all rationale and deflect them with "yeps" and "Do you know why I pulled you overs."

I then decided to try a different strategy.

"Well I live on that street."
"So you can see this as a learning opportunity for me since I will have so many opportunities to practice not crossing a double yellow."
"Since, I live on that street."
"Right well, I'm still going to have to write you a ticket."

So it is clear that when it comes to traffic violations, logic, wit and general smartassery does not work. I could bring up the stereotype of the use of cleavage and feminine charm to dissuade such things, but I will not go there. However, given the utter bullshit circumstances of this occurence, I will harp it up to lazy po-po fell behind and Arnold needs some dough.

Regardless, as some might remember, I defeated a totally legitimate speeding ticket two years back due to the fact that the officer never submitted his declaration in response to mine, which apparently happens a lot. Also, while that event was much more nerve-racking because it was my first ticket and was considerably more expensive, this one is incredibly preposterous, almost satirically so, that it makes me laugh more than it does make me upset.

And, really, how many times in my life can I say I broke the law, but it was really funny?

7:31 PM


This page is powered by Blogger.Humor Blog Top Sites