Life's our oyster and we're gonna suck that bitch down with a champagne chaser.

  • Behavioral Therapist
  • MA Developmental Psychology, Columbia
  • BS Psychobiology/ French, UCLA

  • Movies to See:
    Mission Impossible
    A Dangerous Method

  • TV Shows to Watch:
    The Life & Times of Tim

  • Book to Read:
    Game of Thrones
    by George R.R. Martin

  • Album to Listen to:
    The Black Keys
    El Camino

  • Person to Hate:
    Newt Gingrich

  • Group of People to Despise:
    Fox & Friends


Bitchin Links

Blogs and Writers of Note

Mary's Website

Mary's Blog

Ravi's Blog

Lauren's Blog

Cheryl's LiveJournal

TV Squad

The Soup


Best Week Ever

The Chive

On Location Vacations

Cute Overload

Michael Moore's Blog

Joel Stein Columns

Maureen Dowd Columns

Secular Coalition of America

Richard Dawkins

Personal Stuff

My Facebook

My Twitter

My YouTube Videos

My DVD Collection

My Books

Machatz Self-Defense

For Politics and Political Satire

The Huffington Post


The Daily Beast

The Onion

The Colbert Nation


The Daily Show with Jon Stewart

For Entertainment

Ain't It Cool News


Rotten Tomatoes

DVD Active

Movie Stinger


The Daily Wav

Movie Mistakes

For Humor and Other Things

HuffPost Comedy

Funny or Die

The Lonely Island

Shit My Dad Says

F My Life

Daily Python

College Humor

Super Mario Crossover

People of Walmart

E-Mails from an Asshole

Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster

God Checker

Church Sign Maker

Strong Bad Email

Japander: See Actors Embarrass Themselves Abroad

Landover Baptist Church: Jesus Loves You Sometimes

For Bruins

The Daily Bruin

Bruins Nation

Bruin Basketball Report

UCLA Bruin Marching Band: The Solid Gold Sound

The REAL $UC Application

Old Stuff

March 2003

April 2003

May 2003

June 2003

July 2003

August 2003

September 2003

October 2003

November 2003

December 2003

January 2004

February 2004

March 2004

April 2004

May 2004

June 2004

July 2004

August 2004

September 2004

October 2004

November 2004

December 2004

January 2005

February 2005

March 2005

April 2005

May 2005

June 2005

July 2005

August 2005

September 2005

October 2005

November 2005

December 2005

January 2006

February 2006

March 2006

April 2006

May 2006

June 2006

July 2006

August 2006

September 2006

October 2006

November 2006

December 2006

January 2007

February 2007

March 2007

April 2007

May 2007

June 2007

July 2007

September 2007

November 2007

January 2008

March 2008

April 2008

May 2008

June 2008

July 2008

August 2008

September 2008

October 2008

November 2008

December 2008

January 2009

February 2009

March 2009

April 2009

May 2009

June 2009

July 2009

August 2009

September 2009

October 2009

November 2009

December 2009

January 2010

February 2010

March 2010

April 2010

June 2010

August 2010

November 2010

December 2010

February 2011

April 2011

May 2011

July 2011


Monday, May 24, 2004  
Since I don't like complaining about chemistry's too damn depressing...I have forged Chemistry Haters Union. From now on all complaints about chemistry, and anything else class related, is to be posted there unless it is very dire. If anyone else wants to join, let me know.
8:09 PM


Saturday, May 22, 2004  
You're in the OC now, bitch.
Snippets of a late night convo with the Kevin

No offense meant to our brobro Carlon
Talking about Six Flag ticket prices:
PBeclair23: hey if were in the military we get special military prices
damian71202: and go once a week
PBeclair23: lets get carlon
damian71202: hahaha
PBeclair23: is carlon coming back?!
damian71202: and cliff!
damian71202: dude...
damian71202: i have no idea
damian71202: i have not talked to him since the concert
damian71202: he's gone awol man
PBeclair23: hahahahaha
damian71202: i wanna do it
damian71202: let's get passes
PBeclair23: carlon went all stiff after 3 months
PBeclair23: imagine what hes gonna be after a year
damian71202: i know!!!!
damian71202: hahahaahaha
PBeclair23: good afternoon
PBeclair23: how are u
PBeclair23: yes
damian71202: we're gonna go up to him and he'll just slap us
PBeclair23: the weather
damian71202: LOL
PBeclair23: it is good today
PBeclair23: yes
PBeclair23: you know
damian71202: hahahah
PBeclair23: i had a sandwich today
PBeclair23: and when i swallowed it
PBeclair23: it went into my stomach
damian71202: hahahaha
PBeclair23: almost immediately
damian71202: should email him
PBeclair23: enzymes began to break it down
damian71202: ok
PBeclair23: and nutrients began spreading throughout my body
damian71202: no more
PBeclair23: luke
damian71202: stop carlon stop
PBeclair23: i am your father
damian71202: hahaha
PBeclair23: THIS
PBeclair23: is cnn
damian71202: and he's gonna have a raspy voice
PBeclair23: no
PBeclair23: hes gonna be like james earl jones
damian71202: james earl jones is cool
damian71202: he's so funny
PBeclair23: yeah
PBeclair23: hahah
damian71202: he jiggles when he laughs
PBeclair23: carlon?
PBeclair23: oh
damian71202: he's like black santa claus
PBeclair23: hahah
damian71202: omg
damian71202: yes, carlon the stick jiggles
PBeclair23: hahhaha
PBeclair23: he wavers
damian71202: hahahaa
damian71202: then breaks off
damian71202: and creates another carlon
PBeclair23: aaw
PBeclair23: whoah
damian71202: then they multiply
PBeclair23: thats crazy
damian71202: and invade the world
PBeclair23: and then some of his clones are really messed up
PBeclair23: so they start hopping around
PBeclair23: like frogs
PBeclair23: yeah
damian71202: HAHAHA
PBeclair23: wow
damian71202: then they go to australia
damian71202: and destroy the ecosystem
PBeclair23: what the hell are we talking about
damian71202: i have no idea
damian71202: hahaha
damian71202: lmao
damian71202: oh man
damian71202: and we're not even drunk

More Reminiscing...Again Carlon...You're the OG brobro
PBeclair23: i havent been to magic mountain in a long time
PBeclair23: did we go with band?
damian71202: me too
damian71202: yah
damian71202: remember....
damian71202: with amy tao
PBeclair23: oh yeah!
PBeclair23: hahahaha
damian71202: let's go here
damian71202: let's go there
PBeclair23: we went on like one ride
damian71202: then carlon disappeared
PBeclair23: whatd we get on
damian71202: then we were in line
PBeclair23: omg
PBeclair23: carlon
PBeclair23: hahahah
PBeclair23: i so remember
damian71202: and everybody would leave one by one
damian71202: we'd send search parties
damian71202: but they wouldn't come back
PBeclair23: i was reminiscing with ilana about the phone message
damian71202: noah was gone looking for ice lemonade
damian71202: omg
damian71202: hahahaha
damian71202: that was knotts
PBeclair23: noahs always lookin for food
PBeclair23: yeah
PBeclair23: on boomerang
damian71202: magic we went on batman, viper
PBeclair23: its like a blue
PBeclair23: blur
PBeclair23: ha
damian71202: the twirly thing with the dropping floor
PBeclair23: yeah!
damian71202: oh boomerang?
PBeclair23: omg
damian71202: that was sooooo fun
PBeclair23: that thing
PBeclair23: spinny thing
damian71202: yea
PBeclair23: carlon was scared of roller coasters too wasnt he?
damian71202: yea
damian71202: oh and we went on the wooden one
PBeclair23: and then we made fun of him cause he wanted to be a pilot
damian71202: and i made carmel to come with us
damian71202: hahaaha
damian71202: yea!!!!
damian71202: so funny
PBeclair23: carmel
PBeclair23: heeey maaannn
PBeclair23: uh hyuk uh hyuk

PBeclair23: i havent practiced
PBeclair23: in like 2 months
PBeclair23: i took my trumpet out on sunday to scare this annoying ass crow outside my window away
damian71202: what?
damian71202: omg
PBeclair23: he wouldnt shutup!!
damian71202: then he'd throw it
PBeclair23: he was the size of a pterodactyl
damian71202: he's gone way downhill man
PBeclair23: the crow?
damian71202: he's just crazy now
damian71202: no....hahahhaa, his trumpet
PBeclair23: oh
PBeclair23: haha
damian71202: oh
damian71202: i thought you were pretending to be carmel
PBeclair23: what?
PBeclair23: no
damian71202: hahahaha
PBeclair23: thats all me man
PBeclair23: all
PBeclair23: me
damian71202: oh
damian71202: then....that is sad
PBeclair23: i swear
damian71202: dude....crows are damn brave
PBeclair23: this was the biggest fuckin crow uve ever seen
damian71202: i'm driving and they like hop away a few inches i'm about to hit them
PBeclair23: it was 7 feet tall
damian71202: wasn't a crow
PBeclair23: and had a gun mounted over its shoulder
PBeclair23: and to make it even weirder
PBeclair23: it was wearing nothing but a thong and a wife beater
damian71202: um....
damian71202: what are you smoking?
PBeclair23: nothing right now

Ilana knows who this person is...BLARG
PBeclair23: theres this bitch in ilanas dorm
PBeclair23: ilanas friend
PBeclair23: she pisses me off so much
PBeclair23: i wanna throw her out a window
PBeclair23: if u ever meet her
PBeclair23: ure gonna want to also
damian71202: why?
damian71202: and she's ilana's friend?
PBeclair23: yes
PBeclair23: ask ilana about her next time u talk to her
PBeclair23: jess
PBeclair23: aka miss piggie
PBeclair23: aka uber bitch
PBeclair23: but to ilana shes aka aaw shes insecure so shes mean to everyone else
damian71202: hahaha
damian71202: just make fun of her
damian71202: like you always do
PBeclair23: oh i do
PBeclair23: i do
PBeclair23: but she fights back
PBeclair23: and i just wanna crack her over the head with a pipe
PBeclair23: and its not like playful
PBeclair23: like i say something like "i bet u picked up lots of guys at the frat party" and she says "well ure stupid and u shouldve never been born"
damian71202: hahahaha
damian71202: that's hilarious
damian71202:'s so random
damian71202: she's not bright is she?
PBeclair23: how should i know
PBeclair23: shes a skank ass hoe
PBeclair23: ure in the oc now, bitch
PBeclair23: *punch*
PBeclair23: thats what im gonna say to her next time
PBeclair23: im not gonna say punch though
PBeclair23: im gonna hit her
PBeclair23: in the face
PBeclair23: with my fist
PBeclair23: just to clarify
damian71202: hahaha
damian71202: geez
damian71202: so much anger
damian71202: reminds me of senior year
PBeclair23: hahaha
PBeclair23: why
damian71202: cause
damian71202: we were just so angry
PBeclair23: we were?
damian71202: four years of frustration
damian71202: yes!!!
damian71202: plus mertens
PBeclair23: i cant remember
PBeclair23: hahaha
damian71202: and baum
PBeclair23: OH YEAH
PBeclair23: i remember the ange
PBeclair23: r
damian71202: we'd always complain on the ride home
damian71202: and scream at stupid drivers
damian71202: OMG!
damian71202: remember the crazy lady
damian71202: and you were like....wassup beach, wassup!!
PBeclair23: WHAT?!!?
damian71202: and she was screaming at us like a crazy dog
PBeclair23: what?!
damian71202: she was in the right lane
damian71202: and there was a parked car
PBeclair23: where??
PBeclair23: OH YEAH
damian71202: so she tried to get into our lane
PBeclair23: that bitch pissed me off
damian71202: hilarious
damian71202: omg
damian71202: i was like....why is this woman trying to bite my head off
PBeclair23: hahaha
damian71202: and what the hell am i hearing
PBeclair23: i remember your face
PBeclair23: and then u turned around
damian71202: oh just pasha cussing in a high pitch voice
PBeclair23: and i was making hand gestures
PBeclair23: hahaha
damian71202: yea!!!!
damian71202: hahaha
damian71202: oh man
damian71202: i was like, "wtf is going on"
PBeclair23: hahahaha
PBeclair23: thats comedy right there
damian71202: seriously
damian71202: damn
damian71202: good times good times
damian71202: LMAO
damian71202: oh man
PBeclair23: haha
PBeclair23: that hoe needed to be put in her place
damian71202: oh man
damian71202: with your gang signs
PBeclair23: she was in my territory

We are so young...and yet have so many memories...such is the mind of the teenager. Chaos in the same basket as joy...and blueberry muffins.

4:27 AM


Where in the marching band do you belong?

brought to you by Quizilla

3:16 AM


Thursday, May 20, 2004  
WE are the sons of WESTWOOD!
I scored a 74% on the "How UCLA are you?" Quizie! What about you?

7:54 PM


Bang diggidy in the hizzouse foo!!
I scored a 44% on the "How white are you??!" Quizie! What about you?

3:27 AM


Wednesday, May 19, 2004  
My influence is spreading to the east coast...muahahah
PBeclair23: word
Ideantheterrible: ?
PBeclair23: hahahahah
PBeclair23: exactly
Ideantheterrible: yes exactly


10:29 PM


The Chemical Inlaws:
The chemistry, the chemistry lab and the universe is impairing my ability to live.....ok not really...but they're preventing me from enjoying things like Shrek 2 and 24 peacefully. They're always interfering. They're the inlaws of my life at the moment. Always showing up when they're not wanted with a midterm or a post-lab. No one wants yer damn assignments, go home grandma. We're just fine without you. Now yes, they are occasionally alright, letting me wear a bitchin lab coat and helpin out the girls with the mixing of the chemicals. *wink wink*. But nonetheless, they've moved in across the street, unwelcome and sinister in every way, with enough evil to make a grown man cry. Yet they linger. They know they're not wanted. But they linger. "We're good for you," they say. "You'll thank us some day," they say. Perhaps. But for the're just a parasite in my life, sucking my ability to live without any worries....Ya no good bastards.

2:31 PM


Thursday, May 13, 2004  
You're a Plot writer!

What kind of writer are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

1:43 AM


gi joe
You're GI Joe with the Kung Fu Grip!! You're
strong, tough, and know how to kick some ass.
Don't forget though, no matter how manly you
think you are, you're still just a doll. God
Bless America.

What childhood toy from the 80s are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

1:33 AM


Tuesday, May 11, 2004  
Surprisingly Accurate...except for the stomach and dieting part.
Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and
to be understood.
Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in
oneself. Has reputation.
Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people's
feelings. Tactful.
Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and
unpredictable. Moody and
easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. Not revengeful.
Forgiving but never forgets.
Dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides
others physically and
mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions
carefully. Caring and loving.
Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy.
Wary and sharp. Judges
people through observations. Hardworking. No
difficulties in studying. Loves
to be alone. Always broods about the past and the
old friends. Likes to be
quiet. Homely person. Waits for friends. Never
looks for friends. Not
aggressive unless provoked. Prone to having stomach
and dieting problems.
Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to

What does your birth month say about you?
brought to you by Quizilla

7:14 PM


Friday, May 07, 2004  
As mentioned in a previous post, here follows the tale of the Ham.
As many of you know, my mom has been overseas for about two weeks. When she left, she left me waaay too much food thinking that I would starve. Among this food was a giant ham. We had consumed the majority of this ham over a period of a week but I had one large tupperware of a few pieces of ham left just for me. I did what I could with it. Sandwich, by itself, what have you, but after 5 days, I wasn't sure if I should continue eating this ham. It was nearly 2 weeks old. I'm not one to throw away food, let alone ham. So one night, in an effort to procrastinate, I went to the roof of my building. For those of you who don't know, there is a dog always on the roof of the building across from ours. (Abusive owners if you ask me) Being stranded on a roof all day, the dog must've been hungry. I had about 5 chunks of ham in the tupperware, so I began to throw each piece to the other building. Two landed successfully on the roof, one landed in the backyard, and the fourth hit someone's window and landed in the balcony. Now it didn't break anything but it did cause the owner of the unit to come outside to see what the noise was. (If you ask me, he would've never guessed someone was throwing pieces of pig..) I ducked for fear of conflict and eventually he went back inside. I wasn't confident with my throwing abilities enough to attempt with the last chunk of ham. I went back down the stairwell with my tupperware and ham, saddened that I would have to throw it away. Passing the door to the 2nd floor, I had an epiphany. What would happen if I placed a lone piece of ham in a humid hallway in front of the door of my arch-nemeses: the accursed Chinese laundry family of demons above my unit. For me, hillarity would ensue. And so, I placed this healthy sized piece of ham in front of their door. The hallway was especially humid that night because of the hot day we had just had. A nice surprise would be waiting for them in the morning.

My only regret was not being able to document or at least have a glimpse of their reaction upon seeing the rotting meat.

Also, I wish I would've lit it on fire.

A firey, porky death for the evil neighbors.

4:26 PM


A Lot of Homey G Names Pour Moi
Quiz Me
Pasha spins tunes as
DJ Loud Slug

Get your dj name @ Quiz Me

Quiz Me
Pasha Bahsoun spins tunes as
DJ Phat Jelly

Get your dj name @ Quiz Me

Quiz Me
Pasha Behforouz Bahsoun spins tunes as
DJ Resounding Bullet

Get your dj name @ Quiz Me

Jumping the Gun
Quiz Me
Dr. Pasha spins tunes as
DJ Crafty God

Get your dj name @ Quiz Me

Quiz Me
Dr. Pasha Behforouz Bahsoun spins tunes as
DJ Hasty Ecstasy

Get your dj name @ Quiz Me

2:15 AM


Thursday, May 06, 2004  

PBeclair23: omg i hope they fire donald rumsfeld
Kvetcher22: rumsfeld is a good looking OLD guy

I just vomited in my mouth..

9:58 PM



I did it in 2 seconds.
I deserved an A+++!!
Take the How Dexterous Are You? Quiz!!

3:22 PM


Wednesday, May 05, 2004  
Can you feel it? I said...can you feel it?!
damian71202: it's fucky hot man

That'll do kevy...that'll do.

2:07 AM


Tuesday, May 04, 2004  
Angry Tidbit of the Morning:
I think Apple is playing a perpetual practical joke on me.

1:02 PM


Monday, May 03, 2004  
Revelation of the Night:
I don't care who you are or where you're from; if you listen to "Livin La Vida Loca" and/or "Shake your Bon Bon" and definitely "Cup of Life," after a midterm or final, it doesn't matter how badly you did or think you did, any negative emotions such as anger and depression will be eliminated by the Ricky Martin. Don't believe me? Try it and I dare you to be upset after "Livin La Vida Loca." As Chris Rock says, "Dats one catchy-ass sawng!"

On Another Note:

11:42 PM


Sunday, May 02, 2004  
The International Call Cannot be Completed as Dialed....
Am I dumb or something?


I was trying to call my mom in Tehran to see how she and my grandma are doing. She gave me the number 1198212415651. So I dial this and I get the error tone or whatever. So I try dialing again and for some bizarre reason, I must have dialed 911 somewhere in there. Why do I know this? Keep reading. So after that failed try, the phone rings and it's blocked so naturally, I don't answer. Ten minutes later, I hear loud knocking on the door. It's ten-o'clock at night so I'm totally confused. Could be the asians from upstairs coming to pick a bone with me? (more on that later) I answer the door and a giant black police officer is against the wall, hand on his gun holster asking me if everything was alright. "Uuuh...yeah...I'm fine?" "We received a 911 call from your unit. Did you or anyone else dial 911?" "N...No....I'm alone." "What are the last four digits of your phone number?" "N...9145." He grips his shoulder walkie talkie thing. I want one of those. "X-ray recall that ender for that bravo mike." (Translation is rough) "Roger roger....The call came from your unit." "I'm sorry but I don't know what happened." "Maybe he tried making an international call. Did you?" Thank you nice Asian police officer. (He was at the end of the hall) "Yeah! I was trying to call my mom in Tehran." "That must be it. Some international numbers have 911 in the numbers." If you're dumb enough to switch around the first three numbers "I'm so sorry officers." "It's alright. Just as long as you're alright. Have a good evening." "Ok, bye....Thanks." Thanks? For scaring the shit out of me yes. Thanks. Although I have to admit the law enforcement was very prompt and effective. Well done. Here's to our local law enforcement. May they continue to protect idiots like me who can't dial phone numbers. And cut it out with the tickets. Not cool.

Moral: Dial a freakin 0 before international numbers and don't be dyslexic when reading the number off. Dumbass.

1:25 AM


Saturday, May 01, 2004  
Cirrhosis of the Liver

1:55 AM
damian71202: PASHIJAN!!!!
PBeclair23: what
damian71202: IT4'SX JEREMY
PBeclair23: THISX7 PASHA92
damian71202: JME
damian71202: AND CHERYL;
damian71202: \AND KEVINA
damian71202: \DA AND RAMIN
damian71202: AND THE SOCCOR BALL
PBeclair23: really now
PBeclair23: what about the soccer ball
damian71202: DFOMINGA
damian71202: DOMINGO
damian71202: WHAT ARE YOU DOING
damian71202: DRUNKDSASSD
damian71202: C;EREAL AND MILK
PBeclair23: ask kevin if he took that pill i gave him
damian71202: SHATPILL?
damian71202: WHAT PILL
PBeclair23: the one i gave him
damian71202: blue or purple
damian71202: ?
PBeclair23: magenta
damian71202: huiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiop'
damian71202: PENISD
PBeclair23: im watching nick arcade
PBeclair23: CHO
PBeclair23: dude
damian71202: JLIPDSGFIDKFD
PBeclair23: i know
damian71202: LIPED
damian71202: LIIPID
damian71202: LIPID
PBeclair23: CHO
damian71202: LIPID
PBeclair23: CHO
damian71202: LIPID
PBeclair23: JEFF
damian71202: CARAMELLO PENIS
damian71202: JJASDFJK
PBeclair23: wow
PBeclair23: impressive
PBeclair23: very
PBeclair23: very
PBeclair23: impressive
damian71202: OMG
damian71202: KEVIN AND CHERYL
damian71202: RAMIN AND I
damian71202: WE CAN CALM DOWN
damian71202: HE JUST PUT ON THE ROPE
PBeclair23: sit on him
PBeclair23: the...rope
damian71202: OOK
damian71202: MORE DRUNK
PBeclair23: than hwat
PBeclair23: what
PBeclair23: ok my cirrhosis of the liver ridden friends
PBeclair23: i must depart
PBeclair23: take chaser pills to not have a bad mornin after

'Nuff said.

4:35 AM


Conflicted Athiest
So this guy...walks up to me...corners me on campus...and proceeds to tell me about the bible...and jesus...and god...and whatever other horseshit he's been force fed from birth. But I was patient. As much as I wanted to shove his propaganda down his throat, I calmly debated. Foolish me. If there's one thing I learned, you cannot debate devout, brainwashed citizens. "I'm sorry but religion just doesn't work for me. A giant guy sitting in the sky watching each and every one of us and creating a whole lot of shit works for some, not for me." A blank look follows. "But in Romans 11:21, it is said that God created man in his...." I wonder who's gonna be voted off American Idol tonight "and Jesus was his ideal image..." I don't wanna go to lab "And Jesus rose up from the dead..." "Yeah I know. I saw The Passion of the Christ. " And didn't pay a god damn cent. HA "Oh you did. Well you can see that Jesus was tortured..." If I think hard enough maybe one of us will dissappear... "Well thank you for your time." Thank jesus, Herman the propaganda machine is leaving "I have one more question." NO "What do you think happens when we die?" You have GOT to be shitting me "I don't know buddy. What?" "Well it is the Christian belief..." It is my belief that you're a cocksucker "that everyone will stand judgement at the gates of heaven and be sent somewhere based on that judgement." "Oh ok. Sounds good." BYE NOW "Well what do you think happens?" DOES IT NEVER DIE!? "Why do you need an answer to everything? Why can't you just accept that some questions are better left unanswered because no answers exist for them. These mythological answers are just tools to help you sleep at night and make you think you're a better person. But they're not the answers. Your brain power should be better used to do something more productive. Like reading. Or learning another language. Or seeing how fast you can run into a wall." That's what I would've said if I hadn't said... "Nothing." "Thank you for your time." Thanks for wasting mine Religion works for some. No matter how bizarre and false it may be. And no matter how much destruction it creates, somehow, it works. But it doesn't for me. Don't shove your propaganda in my ear and expect me to adhere to your backwards beliefs....Herman.

And now some wisdom from George Carlin:
When it comes to BULLSHIT...BIG-TIME, MAJOR LEAGUE BULLSHIT... you have to stand IN AWE, IN AWE of the all time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims, religion.

Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told. Think about it, religion has actually convinced people that there's an INVISIBLE MAN...LIVING IN THE SKY...who watches every thing you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten special things that he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish where he will send to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry for ever and ever 'til the end of time...but he loves you.

I want you to know, when it comes to believing in god- I really tried. I really really tried. I tried to believe that there is a god who created each one of us in his own image and likeness, loves us very much and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize...something is FUCKED-UP. Something is WRONG here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption and the Ice Capades. Something is definitely wrong. This is NOT good work. If this is the best god can do, I am NOT impressed. Results like these do not belong on the resume of a supreme being. This is the kind of shit you'd expect from an office temp with a bad attitude. And just between you and me, in any decently run universe, this guy would have been out on his all-powerful-ass a long time ago.

Trillions and trillions of prayers every day asking and begging and pleading for favors. 'Do this' 'Gimme that' 'I want a new car' 'I want a better job'. And most of this praying takes place on Sunday. And I say fine, pray for anything you want. Pray for anything. But...what about the divine plan? Remember that? The divine plan. Long time ago god made a divine plan. Gave it a lot of thought. Decided it was a good plan. Put it into practice. And for billion and billions of years the divine plan has been doing just fine. Now you come along and pray for something. Well, suppose the thing you want isn't in god's divine plan. What do you want him to do? Change his plan? Just for you? Doesn't it seem a little arrogant? It's a divine plan. What's the use of being god if every run-down schmuck with a two dollar prayer book can come along and fuck up your plan? And here's something else, another problem you might have; suppose your prayers aren't answered. What do you say? 'Well it's god's will. God's will be done.' Fine, but if it gods will and he's going to do whatever he wants to anyway; why the fuck bother praying in the first place? Seems like a big waste of time to me. Couldn't you just skip the praying part and get right to his will?

Here's another question I've been pondering- What is all this shit about Angels? Have you heard this? 3 out of 4 people belive in Angels. Are you FUCKING STUPID? Has everybody lost their mind? You know what I think it is? I think it's a massive, collective, psychotic chemical flashback for all the drugs smoked, swallowed, shot, and absorbed rectally by all Americans from 1960 to 1990. 30 years of street drugs will get you some fucking Angels my friend! What about Goblins, huh? Doesn't anybody belive in Goblins? You never hear about this.. Except on Halloween and then it's all negative shit. And what about Zombies? You never hear from Zombies! That's the trouble with Zombies, they're unreliable! I say if you're going to go for the Angel bullshit you might as well go for the Zombie package as well..

I've begun worshipping the sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can see the sun. It's there for me every day. And the things it brings me are quite apparent all the time: heat, light, food, a lovely day. There's no mystery, no one asks for money, I don't have to dress up, and there's no boring pageantry. And interestingly enough, I have found that the prayers I offer to the sun and the prayers I formerly offered to God are all answered at about the same 50-percent rate.

You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Joe Pesci. Two reasons; first of all, I think he's a good actor. Ok. To me, that counts. Second; he looks like a guy who can get things done. Joe Pesci doesn't fuck around. Doesn't fuck around. In fact, Joe Pesci came through on a couple of things that god was having trouble with. For years I asked god to do something about my noisy neighbor with the barking dog. Joe Pesci straightened that cock-sucker out with one visit.

The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.

Amen, George, praise the lord, amen.

12:45 AM


This page is powered by Blogger.Humor Blog Top Sites