Life's our oyster and we're gonna suck that bitch down with a champagne chaser.

  • Behavioral Therapist
  • MA Developmental Psychology, Columbia
  • BS Psychobiology/ French, UCLA

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Monday, April 06, 2009  
Stealing the Stimulus
Everyone knows people who have money on earth today, probably won't have that same amount tomorrow. Something about stocks, mortgages, scammed synagogues... Rachel Maddow explained it to me two or fifteen times and I still don't get it. Regardless, some people are budgeting, or are supposed to be, waiting for the government to throw them a bone every now and then. And others... are stealing. I, for one, am currently wanted for a misdemeanor for accidentally allegedly stealing a postcard from a certain well-known cafe in Manhattan. I say accidentally because when I said, "This postcard I got from the cafe is pretty cool huh?" to my girlfriend, she replied, "I didn't see you pay for that."
"Pay for what?"
"The postcard."
"What dyou mean?"
"They were 50 cents."
"Who would pay 50 cents for this piece of crap." And that's why I'm wanted (allegedly) in at least 1 state.

It turns out that the students, or vagrants, of Teachers College have the same alleged idea I did. Apparently, unbeknownst to me, people study in the library here. Just as in any library, there are office supplies such as hole punchers and staplers for students to use, which are usually chained to one or more planks of wood. However, an series of thefts have rendered the library functionally impotent. Enter: Student Senate.

Dear TC Students,

Several students expressed concern about the fact that our library did not provide staplers for our use. After investigating the situation and discovering all staplers in our library were in fact removed, the Student Senate decided to meet with Gary Natriello, Director of TC Library, to address the issue and inquire about staplers being made available in our library.

I'd like to know what was on Gary's agenda for the day...
10:00 - Book Drive for At Risk Youth
12:00 - Do Battle with Book Burners
1:00 - Lunch
2:00 - Meeting About Staplers

At the meeting, we learned that the staplers were removed because they kept getting stolen.

Why when they're taken by anonymous people, they're called "stolen," but when they're removed by administration, they're called "removed."

Some security measures were discussed...

Go to any bank. Look at their pens. They've been there since banks were invented.

...and by the end of the meeting both parties agreed that staplers should be made available simply because of the expenses we incur to attend TC...

Finally, a sensible moral comes out of this: we pay a shitload of money to go here and have no money left for office supplies, therefore, the university should give us some.

...staplers were then placed at the reception desk on the first floor of our library. On behalf of all TC students, the Student Senate would like to thank Gary for his understanding, for immediately providing staplers for our use...

Thanks Gary.

...and for agreeing to invest in a variety of staplers.

Why was I not notified that there was more than one type of stapler in existence?

We will continue to address your concerns because your student experience at TC is important to us. We thank you for sharing your concerns with us and encourage you to continue doing so.

I'd actually like to read the initial complaint letter with subject line: "Wer R teh liberry Stayplers?"

Your Student Senate

Hey actual United State Senate (and House of Representatives). I have a feeling that if there were no staplers left in the U.S., it would take you about 6 months of deliberation before you filibuster and then go on vacation. There would be lone pieces of paper scattered all of this country, with paper cuts aplenty. Take an example from a Student Senate to take an issue that probably no one complained about, and send a triumphant letter to the entire student body stating your victory.

Call it a "Mission Accomplished" memo.

11:42 PM


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