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Thursday, April 14, 2005  
My Mom Always Told Me to Never Talk to Strangers...
But she never warned me to never sit next to them.
There is a reason that I'm a member of the Facebook group titled, "People Who Don't Like Sitting Next To Other People In Class Because they Need a Buffer Zone." What's the reason you ask?

BECAUSE I NEED A GOD DAMN BUFFER ZONE!!

Now, I don't mind it at all when my friends sit next to me in lecture. I like having someone there to to listen to my snide jokes about the professor. And I have zero problems with human contact...well female human contact. But today, at 9am pacific time, my buffer zone was violated, and I was violated. Now as if Chemistry Lab lecture isn't bad enough, (at 9am no less) I must also be subjected to the clutteriest (it's a word) asian girl in the history of everywhere. This bundle of disorganization plops down next to me (even when there are PLENTY of open seats elsewhere) and proceeds to unpack the suitcase she brought with her to lecture. Not only notes, oh no no. But a tape recorder (does anyone really want to listen to a man, who cannot speak English, lecture about chemistry ON TAPE?!), 3 folders (why she needed three I'll never know), a binder, a Motts strawberry apple sauce (if you're not going to go for regular apple sauce just don't go at all), a ziploc filled with paper towels (in case her apple sauce spontaneously combusted, no doubt), 2 pencils and a pen, and her arms. Now all this isn't that bad at first glance, but then, since she finally realized that the 4 square cm desk wasn't enough to hold her belongings, she proceeded to rest the lecture supplement on my left arm. Now I'm not talking the corner poked my arm. The entire paper...WAS ON MY FUCKING ARM. No, "Oh I'm sorry about that," or "Oh did you mind if I used your forearm as a bureau?" Nothing. I jiggled my arm occasionally to give her the signal to not encroach into my space. No results. So, I finally got fed up with having a foreign object on my arm so I finally dropped my arm abruptly and her papers fell on the floor. I laughed inside heartily.

So my revenge was had...wasn't it? Au contraire, mon frere.

Dr. Pang, as he usually does, elongates his vowels...and occasionally his consonants. For example, the phrase "This should be pretty easy," turns into, "Dis chood be preteh eeassEEEHHHH." I'm used to it by now but I still had a little snicker. But it is the bizarre thing he always used to say when he wanted us to imagine something... and he said it today after a loung drought. "Now dis isn't possible in the laaaaaAAAb, so imagine you haaaaaaaave magic goggles." MAGIC GOGGLES?! I had completely forgotten about this brilliant concept so when I heard him say this for the first time in a year I had a spit/laugh moment. You know, the spit-take laugh without the water. Upon doing this I realized my pack rat neighbor was giving me the evil eye. You know, the look you give the people behind you in movie theaters who are kicking your chair. You don't look all the way back but you tilt your head 90 degrees to the left or right, as if to threaten the person behind you with your rotating spine, and then you squint menacingly. This is commonly known as the evil eye. When I realized that I was on the receiving end of an evil eye (and I was directly to the right of her so I received the full force of the eye) I kept staring ahead but glanced out of her from the corner of my eye and squinted. THAT'S RIGHT. I countered her full on evil eye with the corner evil eye! Now this is arguably more powerful than the typical evil eye because you're not giving the receiver of the corner evil eye your full attention. You don't give them the pleasure of seeing you expend the energy it takes to turn your head and then squint. By only shifting your eyes to the right or left and then squinting, the power is magnified ten fold. (Note: Not an official estimate of power)

Dr. Pang finally summed up his endless lecture about intermediate ions and buffers (THE IRONY!!!!!) and we were cued to leave. My war with the assailant had been fought valiantly on both ends. I feel that I shall meet this adversary again one day and I know I'll be ready.

I also have found her Facebook profile so I know her email address and screename so I may torment her via the internet if I so choose. The stalker card is in my deck now. But for now, the battle shall be fought on even ground, in the lecture of Chemistry 14CL
1:19 PM
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