The Jazzy Bahsoun

Life's our oyster and we're gonna suck that bitch down with a champagne chaser.

Behavioral Therapist
MA Developmental Psychology, Columbia
BS Psychobiology/ French, UCLA

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Friday, May 13, 2005
The Physics of Brain Farts
Coming out of a Physics exam that I bombed, I feel it is necessary to discuss the quirks and kinks of the organ we call the brain.

We've all experienced what we in the professional world call a "brain fart." This occurs in situations like the following:
"Jimmy, what is 7 x 2?"
"Uuuuhhhhh......"
"Jimmy, it's not a hard question."
"UUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHH."
"..."
*CLICK*
"Fourteen!!"
"Thank you, Jimmy."
Now it is important to note that Jimmy is a graduate student in computer sciences at the University of Alabama, Birmingham. (I know, I know..I didn't know they had computers in Alabama either)

Now a brain fart is most volatile when it is not followed by the saving grace of the *click* that allows us to access the information in our brain that the fart is blocking. This is when the brain fart is at its most dangerous because by the time a click comes, if there even is one, it's too late. Take the following example of me buying a gourmet trader's bowl (also known as garbage medley bowl) at the Bombshelter just today.
"That'll be $5.24."
"Alrighty here's a 5...but wait for it! I've got a quarter!" Editor's note: Don't you just love it when you have near exact change!
"So how did 4W go for you?" At this point in the conversation the fart has been exhumed and neurons are just firing in the wrong places, frantically searching for either what 4W signifies or if this person looks familiar.
"....wha?"
"You know. English 4W...last quarter... With Professor Devine?"
Of course! Idiot. You took English 4W last quarter.
"You don't remember me do you?"
"Uuuuhhh."
There were only 20 people in the damn class. You had better remember her.
Glancing down at her name tag I realize that I do remember her....and she sat next to me in class.
"Oh man of course! Yeah you sat right next to me!"
"Yeaaaahhh"
"Well...now I'm embarrassed."
"Tee hee."
"Yeah...yeah it went pretty well for me. You?"
"It went well for me too."
"Awesome...well, I'll see you later."
"Alright. Nice seeing you again."
At this point, the conversation has ended. I kind of redeemed myself by drawing attention to my foolishness. But did I realize this? Of course not. Followed by a proverbial brain fart came what no one else saw coming.
"You know...I think it was the glasses you're wearing...I...didn't recognize you with the glasses."
"I always wear these glasses."
"Oh...ok then....the hat then?"
"Maybe."
"Ok...........bye."
Yes ladies and gentlemen. As if the brain fart wasn't enough, a brain puke had to follow. This can be described by moments when you know you should stop talking, but alas, you do not. The neurons just keep afirin', and you just keep on ayakkin'.

I suppose lapses in brain function are what makes us human. What makes us tell these embarrassing stories to others. What keeps us going through the day. Sure they can be pretty awful, (especially when you have a 50 minute brain fart during a physics exam) but without them, we'd have brain indigestion. Without the passing of brain gas, and the exhuming of brain vomit, what would be but cyborgs. Unfeeling, unembarrassed, unhuman.

Although being a cyborg would be kind of cool. You could have like a laser on your right arm...and...and a shoulder-mounted rocket launcher......totally bitchin.

So go through your days, young ones, taking on these kinks of your ever-changing brain as they come because it is not whether they come or not that makes you who you are, but how you take them on and overpower them. Because without this power, who are we but a bunch of Paris Hiltons roaming the earth. And that, my friends, is what we call the apocalypse.
3:42 PM
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