Friday, October 21, 2005
This is Not a Real Post
Oh god I'm sitting in the Young Hall Computer Lab and I just noticed that there are nail clippings all around the keyboard I'm using. I don't know what to do. I'm truly revolted and I hate people.
Jesus god in heaven why!?
THESE AREN'T EVEN THE COLOR NAILS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE!!
I can't, I just can't. I want to be out of my skin right now.
I need to get out of here.
5:05 PM
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Sunday, October 16, 2005
SIX AND OH BAYBEE!!
I love my Bruins. I love them very much. But seriously, my blood pressure is already high and these games aren't helping me out...but man oh man is it sweet when we pull out the W's, especially after such a long drought in the past couple years.
GO BRUINS!!! #8 TEAM IN THE NATION!!!
Your arrogant so-called dynasty is coming to an end you disgusting Trojans. On December 3, the Trojans of '$C will crumple under their own weight.
Mark my words.
7:18 PM
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Wednesday, October 12, 2005
Amazon.com Has Lost its Mind
As a college student in America, I have become proficient in the one practice shared by millions of college students everywhere: procrastination. One practice of procrastination that I utilize is the late night perusing of websites such as eBay (which I do not encourage) and Amazon. On Amazon.com, I like to look through what recommendations Amazon has for me based on what I said I own or what is on my wishlist. Recently, when browsing through these recommendations, I have noticed some startling trends in Amazon.com... namely the company has lost its mind.
Now some recommendations make complete sense.
If I own the black Xbox controller, who's to say I won't like the green one. Well done, Amazon.
On the other hand, some recommendations can be a tad offensive.
Why I gotta like Nelly if I own a black Xbox controller?
Amazon.com is racist.
I'm not saying that people who play Xbox would or wouldn't enjoy the hippity hop music. I'm just saying that I also put that I own the blue Xbox controller, but Amazon only bases these recommendations on my ownership of a black controller. Jesse Jackson, where are you?
From the bigoted comes the downright inappropriate.
If Amazon was a parent, it would be sued for negligence. Why any child who is still at an age to be playing with Hug & Learn Baby Toad would also be allowed to play the mature, blood fest of Halo 2 is a mystery to me. That said, I love Halo 2 and would like to know how this amphibian could help me learn through the use of hugs... that's kinda twisted if you think about it.
And now the cream of the crop, the downright bizarre recommendations from Amazon.
Ok I won't deny that fans of Lord of the Rings may or may not be geeks... and male. So why in the hell would they want a baking sheet? Perhaps to bake some lembas bread? Sorry.
And in the same vain as our froggy friend above....
...why in the blue jesus would any self-respecting teen playing Halo 2 want a Lil Bratz Sno Fun Ski Lodge playset. This product, on top of being for ages 4 and up, but this DOLL HOUSE also contains the following: " The open-sided doll house can be re-arranged a number of ways, but no matter how it's designed, kids will love posing the dolls near all of the amenities. There's a toasty fireplace, a movie theater with a huge sound system, an arcade game, snack room (with tiny popcorn machine), and café. The lodge's dance floor also transforms into an ice-skating rink!" I mean maybe Master Chief is interested in some statutory rape action, but even so, it's not for the children.
And finally, where we had racist tips from the Xbox controller, we now have purely insane recommendations for Harry Potter fans everywhere.
Ok I accept that there are many female Harry Potter fans out there, but of all the unholy products, why would a Paris Hilton Belly Bar (I still don't know what it does) be recommended to a fan of Harry Potter. It's an outrage, is what it is. If the Christians weren't already up in arms against Harry Potter, they've now brought in the National Guard.
To round out this "Amazon is Insane" segment, comes one final item recommended, again, for the Harry Potter fans out there.
Perhaps Amazon is trying to tell us something. "Put down that blasphemous book and perform some manual labor for a change"? I don't know. But in any case, why would anyone pay $250 for a drill!? A DRILL! And does anyone else find it hilarious that the drill has a release date, as if people were lined up outside Loews on September 24 waiting for the stroke of midnight when they could purchase the Milwaukee 6514-21.
Moral: When you're procrastinating late at night, don't go on websites that have the potential to deplete your beer money... even if it is on a belly bar.
6:14 PM
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Thursday, October 06, 2005
Crouching Tofu, Hidden Disgusting Crap
Buddha once said, "Every human being is the author of his own health or disease."
The man couldn't have been more right.
It might have been the ambiance of the film or just seeing a bunch of Thai guys beating the hell out of each other but as I watched the martial arts testostermonial that was Ong Bak: Thai Warrior, I gained a craving for some Pad Thai. Luckily, I had the menu for a local establishment which I shall not name here. (Perhaps a good old fashioned switcheroo, for you pun buffs out there, will lead you to the name: Cambodian Courtyard) Since there was a $15 minimum order for free delivery, I had to become somewhat adventurous and branch out from the reliable Pad Thai. A Thai Combination Appetizer Platter seemed the way to go. This consisted of egg rolls, tempura shrimp, something called "treasure bags" and golden tofu. Now I was never ever a fan of tofu although I do enjoy soy beans, but I thougt what have I got to lose... So I called up the eatery and struggled, for a while, to translate my address into their language.
" 112. N. Hamilton Dr. Unit 108."
"Sree two norf Hamertun load."
"What? No. 112..."
"Wun Wun choo..."
"North.."
"Easht..."
"No..Nooorrth.."
"Norf..."
"Ham.."
"Ham..."
"il...ton"
"errr tun"
"Drive."
"Dlive."
"Yes, ok close enough."
"What shitty?"
(I'm not being racist... come on when have you ever called a Chinese, Thai or Japanese restaurant and someone of caucasian descent answered the phone? Never. The answer is never.)
So, after convincing the kindly receptionist that I would just wait outside and jump up and down when the delivery boy came, I hung up and continued with my dose of kung fu fighting until the delivery boy came. I tipped him generously (I think) as I always do with the delivery people. With my Thai kickboxing movie on play, my Pad Thai and teriyaki chicken on my lap, I was complete. The Thai Combo Platter would wait till later. The former two dishes lasted me through the end of the movie and by that time it was about 5:00 and I craved no more Thai delights.
An hour later I craved more Thai creations...was it the MSG? Do they use MSG? Either way, the experiment began. With a Seinfeld rerun on in the background, I eliminated the safe portions of the platter: the shrimp and the egg rolls. Next up were the 3 treasure bags. Resembling scrotums, wrapped in seaweed string, stuffed with...stuff, my bravery from the time when I ordered the food was quickly diminishing. However, remembering how courageous Ting was to recover the head of his village's Buddha statue, I sucked up any fear I had and teabagged one of the treasure bags. I discovered that these treasure bags were merely eggrolls resembling parts of the male anatomy. Looks like clear sailing from here.
"Jerry, look how tense you are. You need to take a soak."
"I'm not taking a soak in that human bacteria vat you got goin' there."
"Come on, I'm telling you, it's great. I opened up all the windows. The air is cold, the tub is boiling hot. It's like Sweden, man. Sweden!"
The golden tofu leered at me from the styrofoam box, and I grimaced back. My only excuse for even trying one of them was that they were supposed to be good for me. Over my bacon and cheese omelette the next morning, I realized how ridiculous this was. (I might note that this golden tofu seemed to be globs of tofu either fried, wrapped in tempura or some other ghastly means of preparation. I didn't know for sure at the time what they were made of and I do not wish to know now.) One golden tofu down. No taste really. Weird sweatshop marshmallow texture but otherwise nothing strange. Another golden tofu down. This one tasted a bit like what my ear might taste like... if my tongue would reach that far... that would be cool.... Hell, might as well try to finish them. Each golden tofu had different flavors... flavors of The Wax Museum... but I persisted.
"Did you find out who stabbed him?"
"Yeah, it turns out it was his ex-girlfriend."
"Well, you're not going near this hooligan anymore."
"Well, I don't know. I mean, think about it, Jerry. There must be something exciting about this guy if he can arouse that kind of passion. I mean, to be stab-worthy. You know, it's kind of a compliment."
"Yeah, too bad he didn't get shot. He could have been the one."
By the eighth golden tofu, the images of Elaine and Jerry were a blur. I felt as if... as if I was at the nexus of the universe. I would find out what happens when we die, without having to die. It would happen... if only the golden tofus didn't take the yellow brick road back up my esophagus, I would've known. By golly, I would've known.
I would've liked to end this story with something reassuring. That trying new things is always good. It can even be rewarding. You only have one life to live etc. etc. Yeah, they're right. You do have only one life to live. So don't waste it regurgitating Pan-Asian Cuisine.
"On life's journey faith is nourishment, virtuous deeds are a shelter, wisdom is the light by day and right mindfulness is the protection by night. If a man lives a pure life, nothing can destroy him."
I disagree. Golden Tofu. Golden Tofu can and will destroy him.
3:45 PM
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