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Thursday, October 06, 2005  
Crouching Tofu, Hidden Disgusting Crap
Buddha once said, "Every human being is the author of his own health or disease."

The man couldn't have been more right.

It might have been the ambiance of the film or just seeing a bunch of Thai guys beating the hell out of each other but as I watched the martial arts testostermonial that was Ong Bak: Thai Warrior, I gained a craving for some Pad Thai. Luckily, I had the menu for a local establishment which I shall not name here. (Perhaps a good old fashioned switcheroo, for you pun buffs out there, will lead you to the name: Cambodian Courtyard) Since there was a $15 minimum order for free delivery, I had to become somewhat adventurous and branch out from the reliable Pad Thai. A Thai Combination Appetizer Platter seemed the way to go. This consisted of egg rolls, tempura shrimp, something called "treasure bags" and golden tofu. Now I was never ever a fan of tofu although I do enjoy soy beans, but I thougt what have I got to lose... So I called up the eatery and struggled, for a while, to translate my address into their language.
" 112. N. Hamilton Dr. Unit 108."
"Sree two norf Hamertun load."
"What? No. 112..."
"Wun Wun choo..."
"North.."
"Easht..."
"No..Nooorrth.."
"Norf..."
"Ham.."
"Ham..."
"il...ton"
"errr tun"
"Drive."
"Dlive."
"Yes, ok close enough."
"What shitty?"
(I'm not being racist... come on when have you ever called a Chinese, Thai or Japanese restaurant and someone of caucasian descent answered the phone? Never. The answer is never.)

So, after convincing the kindly receptionist that I would just wait outside and jump up and down when the delivery boy came, I hung up and continued with my dose of kung fu fighting until the delivery boy came. I tipped him generously (I think) as I always do with the delivery people. With my Thai kickboxing movie on play, my Pad Thai and teriyaki chicken on my lap, I was complete. The Thai Combo Platter would wait till later. The former two dishes lasted me through the end of the movie and by that time it was about 5:00 and I craved no more Thai delights.

An hour later I craved more Thai creations...was it the MSG? Do they use MSG? Either way, the experiment began. With a Seinfeld rerun on in the background, I eliminated the safe portions of the platter: the shrimp and the egg rolls. Next up were the 3 treasure bags. Resembling scrotums, wrapped in seaweed string, stuffed with...stuff, my bravery from the time when I ordered the food was quickly diminishing. However, remembering how courageous Ting was to recover the head of his village's Buddha statue, I sucked up any fear I had and teabagged one of the treasure bags. I discovered that these treasure bags were merely eggrolls resembling parts of the male anatomy. Looks like clear sailing from here.

"Jerry, look how tense you are. You need to take a soak."
"I'm not taking a soak in that human bacteria vat you got goin' there."
"Come on, I'm telling you, it's great. I opened up all the windows. The air is cold, the tub is boiling hot. It's like Sweden, man. Sweden!"

The golden tofu leered at me from the styrofoam box, and I grimaced back. My only excuse for even trying one of them was that they were supposed to be good for me. Over my bacon and cheese omelette the next morning, I realized how ridiculous this was. (I might note that this golden tofu seemed to be globs of tofu either fried, wrapped in tempura or some other ghastly means of preparation. I didn't know for sure at the time what they were made of and I do not wish to know now.) One golden tofu down. No taste really. Weird sweatshop marshmallow texture but otherwise nothing strange. Another golden tofu down. This one tasted a bit like what my ear might taste like... if my tongue would reach that far... that would be cool.... Hell, might as well try to finish them. Each golden tofu had different flavors... flavors of The Wax Museum... but I persisted.

"Did you find out who stabbed him?"
"Yeah, it turns out it was his ex-girlfriend."
"Well, you're not going near this hooligan anymore."
"Well, I don't know. I mean, think about it, Jerry. There must be something exciting about this guy if he can arouse that kind of passion. I mean, to be stab-worthy. You know, it's kind of a compliment."
"Yeah, too bad he didn't get shot. He could have been the one."

By the eighth golden tofu, the images of Elaine and Jerry were a blur. I felt as if... as if I was at the nexus of the universe. I would find out what happens when we die, without having to die. It would happen... if only the golden tofus didn't take the yellow brick road back up my esophagus, I would've known. By golly, I would've known.

I would've liked to end this story with something reassuring. That trying new things is always good. It can even be rewarding. You only have one life to live etc. etc. Yeah, they're right. You do have only one life to live. So don't waste it regurgitating Pan-Asian Cuisine.

"On life's journey faith is nourishment, virtuous deeds are a shelter, wisdom is the light by day and right mindfulness is the protection by night. If a man lives a pure life, nothing can destroy him."

I disagree. Golden Tofu. Golden Tofu can and will destroy him.
3:45 PM
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