Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Avada Kedouche
I am a geek. I am a nerd. I am a fanboy. I follow things associated with movies, television, books and video games much too closely, and I am very good at it. As such, due to the time and (some might call unhealthy amount of) effort, I take activities such as seeing the season finale of a show or, say, going to see a movie for the first time very seriously. That is, timeliness is essential, distractions during the film are unacceptable, the light from your texting on your cellphone will raise my blood pressure, bathroom breaks are inconceivable and I might become homicidal if any of these stipulations are violated.
Take my recent outing to see "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2." Now this series is a special case, as it has seen nearly a decade of film watching and almost 8 years (in my case) of book reading. That translates to a lot of time investment. The screening of the film was preceded, naturally, by the purchasing of tickets a week in advance, a viewing of Part 1 and departing for the theater in a timely manner, particularly due to carmageddon. We arrived to the theater with plenty of time, settled in our seats and prepared ourselves for a tremendous cinematic experience a decade in the making. All of my aforementioned prerequisites for seeing a geek-infused film were followed to the T.
Except for twenty.
Now, if you're going to show up to a movie late, even after 25 minutes of previews, fine, but it is a generally accepted social convention that you shut the fuck up as you enter the theater. That includes talking (you don't have to say "excuse me" when passing people, honestly) and walking in 9-inch clogs. Also, while the house lights may have been dimmed due to the movie, there is still full visibility, thus you do not need a god damn motherfracking FLASHLIGHT to find your way to your clearly visible seat. Next, once you find your seat, it is also common sense that you TURN OFF SAID FLASHLIGHT and kindly not SHINE IT PEOPLE'S FACES as they are trying to immerse themselves in the final chapter of the Potter-verse.
Alright, so you've galloped into the theater in your Swedish footwear, dilated everyone's pupils and sat your fat ass down. The apex of your extreme ignorance, rudeness and overall stupidfuckocity must have been reached right? Wrong. Need I also remind you that a film screening is not a prudent venue to rifle through your oversized purse for even more snacks packaged in cacophonous plastic wrap, which you are clearly incapable of opening in under 7 minutes, in order to maximize your already titanic, insulin-spiking caloric intake for the evening.
Alright so that's over and done with. Harry has located another horcrux to destrOH WAIT YOU NEED TO SHINE THE FLASHLIGHT IN EVERYONE'S FACES AGAIN, DON'T YOU!? Is it that you cannot properly see the popcorn that you are stuffing into your greasy maw? No, by all means, please shake the bag of popcorn some more and pour it into two other boxes. Jesus assfucking Christ.
It's the end of the movie. It was brilliant. We survived the onslaught of unbridled idiocy that embodied our theater companion. What's there left to do? Verbally berate that piece of gutter trash who took away from an absolute perfect cinematic experience.
"HEY LADY! That was a really cool flashlight! Where did you get it?! Can I see it??"
"..."
Oh she doesn't speak English? That's even better. Wait, you're now turning to my friend who was telling me she doesn't speak English to call her immature?!
It's people like that who demand that we need Death Eaters in this world.
And not the kind that are in the Republican Party.
3:46 AM
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