Tuesday, December 07, 2010
Labelmaker 2010
It's been about a month since the election. I don't know if you noticed, but I was bit engulfed in flames over it (the literal kind, not the euphemism kind). But that fervor has calmed itself a bit.
I can't say the same about the pundits though. Commentators from both sides have been throwing around words lately using labels to define an entire party or a person's ideology. I was not familiar with many of these terms... so I naturally Googled them (you thought I was gonna Bing them, I know).
But fear not, loyal reader, you don't have to use Google (or Bing, as it were), because I'm here to give you the true meaning of each of these terms, to the best of my ability, as well as other labels that have been over-used, of late.
Moderate
This is the wishy-washy political stance taken by people who don't actually follow politics. The people who define themselves as "Moderates" are the same people who, when given the choice of cup or cone, choose cone inside a cup. Cone is too "out there" for them, and cup is too boring. So a cone inside a cup is the lily-livered, safe choice.
Editor's Note: I hate to break it to you, but Moderatism is dead. There is only Liberal and (unfortunately) Conservative. Whenever anyone tries to do anything Moderate in the government, it doesn't work, or is lambasted by the extremes on either side. So pick a side people. We're at war.
Progressive
Defined as one who cares about social change, the use of science and technology for the betterment of mankind, civil rights, women's rights and the right to eat ice cream.
Another Editor's Note: I've got news for you, every movement in this country that did anything to change it for the better, from the Civil Rights movement to woman's right to vote to woman's right to choose, were progressive movements. Now if you're watching Fox News, the Progressive movement is synonymous with the march to the Apocalypse (literally). So basically if you are for civil rights, scientific research in medicine and technology and care about human beings in general, you are Progressive. If you're not, then Jesus hates your guts (but he loves you).
Conservative
Should I even bother?
Conservative
Alright fine. If you are someone who seeks to cut taxes for the rich, likes spending billions of dollars on various bombs and jets that are never used, is against civil liberties, science, the rights of women and minorities, is, in general, racist, and loves Jesus....ya might be a redneck. I mean conservative. Oh and also white.
Compassionate Conservative
Remember this awesome term made popular by the last guy? It refers to a Republican who is pandering to a Liberal audience. It doesn't actually reflect any personal belief in progressive policies or, you know, compassion.
Log Cabin Republican
This term refers to nihilistic homosexual people. That is, homosexuals who are against their own personal existence, and the existence of people like them. This description can be applied to "Low-Middle Class Republicans," "Mexican Republicans" and "African-American Republicans" as well.
Blue Dog Democrat
A democrat who is a sell out to the Republican party. (Can also be labeled "Republican.")
Now let's move on out of the political arena, to other prevalent labels.
Foodie
This term refers to one who enjoys the practice of looking at, researching and, ultimately, eating food. This term is popularized by obnoxiously loud, and often obese, Americans who describe themselves as being passionate about food. They separate themselves from other people who eat food, by endlessly talking about the food they have sought out and are eating. They are also characterized by their lack of knowledge of those in the world who are not able to look at, research or eat food.
Dog Person
One who seeks a submissive creature to offset their otherwise inability to impose control on any other aspects of their lives. Also can be characterized by one who enjoys physical proximity and having physical contact with feces.
Cat Person
One who seeks an adorable, fluffy creature to make themselves feel like they have no self-worth. Typically classified as single, white women or the unemployed.
Agnostic
The cowardly, safe choice between religiousness and atheism. Can also be labeled as "Future Atheist" or "Was Once Molested by a Priest."
And finally...
The Person Who Says They "Don't like labels."
This person is characterized by an overall air of pretentiousness and pomposity. Ironically, many labels can be applied to these people such as, "Douche," "Tool," "Anarchist," and/or "Libertarian."
I hope this guide was helpful to you all. If we put in as little time and energy into changing this world for the better, as I spent making this list ... well, we'd be where we are right now.
4:10 PM
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