Life's our oyster and we're gonna suck that bitch down with a champagne chaser.



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Tuesday, March 30, 2010  
I Only Like NY As A Friend
While I can currently describe myself as bi-coastal, I think, deep down, I only truly swing for the one coast... on the West.

That is not to say that the East Coast, specifically New York City, doesn't have its charms, from the history to the entertainment to the whole "never sleeps" aspect. I don't tire of celebrity spotting (save for Snookie at my gym), which is oddly easier here than in LA, or the endless supply of "hot spots" where all the gossip girls (and boys) are.

However, these lively aspects of the city can generally be enjoyed approximately 2 and a half to 3 months out of the year. The rest of the time, the city is either frozen solid and/or dripping wet, requiring 5 layers just to survive, or acting as if it were located on the Tropic of Cancer.

But really, besides the weather, which is the cliche (yet true!) knock against the East Coast, it is the residents themselves who prove to be the tipping point. Sure, the "GET OUDDA DA WAY!"s and "YUH MUTHUH!"s are charming, in a that-sounds-like-something-on-The-Sopranos, kind of way, but the novelty wears off after about 2 days of living here. After the 32nd near-miss by a cab driver, and 23rd almost-fight with a guido in the street, during a 48 hour time span, it's time to go back to flipping people off within the confines of a vehicle on the 405.

These omnipresent, bitter personality traits of the New York City population as a whole is most clearly exemplified in one of NYC's most cherished past-times: take-out food.

Most generic plastic bags given by restaurants or shops in the country generally bear some sort of charming banality such as this one:



That ear-to-ear smile on that disembodied head is appealing and also serves to distract me from the fact that this bag will be on this planet long after I'm gone.

That's what "normal" places give out.

Here's what NYC locales place their take-out and souvenirs in:



At first glance, this just looks like another innocuous variation on the token yellow smiley face icon.

But look again:



In the days of yore when people used AIM, there was the smiley emoticon, the laughing emoticon, the surprised emoticon, the teeth-grinning emoticon and the neutral face emoticon.

This face that is insisting you have a nice day is an example of the neutral face.



I don't mean to keep imposing this emotionally drained yellow face upon you, but it has continued to disturb me during my time here in New York. You see, the face on this bag represents the oppressive apathy inherent in people in this city.

"Yeah, have a nice day...yuh putz."

I have come to discover that the vast majority of New Yorkers are self-serving, egoists who are focused on where they are going, how they are going to get there fastest and how quickly they can escape that destination to reach the next spot on their itinerary, you guessed it... as fast as possible.

In developmental psychology, young children are traditionally labeled as having an egotistical mind, lacking the ability to recognize that other people have unique minds, thoughts and motivations as well their own. They eventually grow out of this, given that they are properly developing youngsters.

New Yorkers don't. They stay in this phase. Forever.

It permeates the very air on the street, with every shoulder that bumps you, every scoff on the subway,every "GO F&$% YOURSELF!"...

...and every take-out bag.

Do your feelings get hurt as a result? A bruised ego perhaps? Fuhget aboudit.

You know they do.
10:00 PM
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