Tuesday, November 18, 2008 Last Dose of Patriotism I know this site has been inundated with election-related stories for the last couple of months. Regular programming shall resume soon, but until then I must post Bill Maher's reflection on the implications of the election during the season finale of Real Time last week.
And, finally, New Rule: The rest of the world can go back to being completely jealous of America. Yes...our majority white country just freely elected a black president; something no other democracy has ever done. Take that, Canada! Where's your Nubian warrior president? Your head of state is a boring white dude named Stephen Harper. And mine is a kick-ass black ninja named Barack Hussein Obama!
That's right, everybody. I take back every bad thing I ever said about the good old U.S.A. I've gone from "God damn America" to "God damn, America!"
I feel like a hockey mom at the state fair getting felt up by Hank Williams Jr. While fireworks go off and Jesus appears in my cotton candy. It would be stupid not to be stupid about it.
So, I'd like to take this moment when we've finally got one right, to bask in a little unwarranted, unapologetic, irrational, faux patriotism. Or, as Fox News calls it, "regular programming."
Now, I might regret this. It's kind of like going grocery shopping when you're high. But, here goes, world...[with patriotic music under]
We're Americans. We built the Golden Gate Bridge and Hoover Dam and Joan Rivers. We're the only country that can look at a sandwich made of ice cream and chocolate cookies covered in fudge and think, "Ah, you think we could fry that?"
And you know what? YES, WE CAN!
They may have 72 virgins, but we have 31 Flavors.
You know what our favorite burger topping is? Another burger!
We invented rock 'n' roll, jazz, funk, R&B, and hip-hop. Without our music, your iPods would be filled with ABBA, Menudo and Men At Work. And you wouldn't have iPods.
Not only did we create the Internet, we're the ones who filled it up with porn.
Jefferson lived here. And Miles Davis and Mark Twain and Frank Lloyd Wright and a lot of other people Sarah Palin never heard of.
In America, strippers and Disney stars have an equal right to be named "Hannah Montana."
And I was freely able to make a movie saying there's no afterlife, and you could watch it while eating crap that'll kill you. But, that's okay, because our corn-fed high school sophomores are bigger than your soldiers, and they're better armed.
I ask you, in what other nation would they tax young people to make sure old people can afford erections?
What you call "football," we call "soccer." And what you call "war crimes," we call "football."
So, let me just say it again: we elected a black guy, and it was because he was the best candidate. Not because it was some cheap gimmick. And we should know, because we are also the country that invented cheap gimmicks.
Yes, America is like Jessica Simpson. Sometimes it's so stupid it embarrasses you, but, on the other hand, how about them titties?!
American History majors rarely get the chance to experience American History in real time. Last night was like a gigantic episode of 24, but instead of Jack Bauer and a countdown clock, it had Wolf Blitzer and an electoral counter.
Like Bauer, Obama solved big problems all in one day - turning red states into blue states, bringing a huge Democratic majority to both houses, and defusing 232 years of racism. There wasn't this much history on The History Channel.
In his inspiring victory speech, Obama barely smiled. He looked like he had the next day's work on his mind, or possibly how he's going to undo the illegal and/or immoral acts Bush has planned for his remaining 77 days.
Speaking of Bush, it is clear now, if it wasn't before, what his legacy is going to be: Obama.
Bush will be known for ushering in the Obama era, the way Herbert Hoover was known for ushering in FDR or Pete Best was known for preceding Ringo.
Historians like to talk about how history "unfolds," as if it were made of paper. Today history is unfolding with no sign of stopping, like a really, really big map.
There's so much history right now, if you even tried to write a thesis about it, you'd have to write another one tomorrow.
American History is now like iTunes - there's an update every five minutes.
It's weird being an American History major in the midst of so much American History. Does this happen with other disciplines? Do geometry majors ever find themselves in the midst of an isosceles triangle? Or do comp lit majors find themselves in novels by the Brontë sisters?
America is like a novel. It's never finished. It's a draft that's been rewritten over and over. Soon our new author will revise and correct what has been left him by his predecessor. One thing you can be sure of, it hasn't been proofed in eight years.
History has already unfolded three more times since this morning. We're not used to it. We may have to switch majors just to get some rest.
Tuesday, November 04, 2008 Frack the Vote This is it. Today's the day that this god damn election is over and hopefully the only politician I've ever admired will come out on top. Since 2004 when he spoke at the DNC I thought he should be president. Last December, I self-righteously proclaimed that an Obama/Biden ticket would be amazing. I sense that the 4 year wait will pay off.
Recently, I reminisced back to the elections we had to partake in as band geeks in high school: the election of the next drum major. My first year voting, as a frightened and perpetually awkward teenager, the competitors were Lorden something and John Hirsch, two soon to be seniors. After placing our votes in a box at the end of rehearsal, I was approached by John and was asked if I voted for him. Throwing all notions of voter confidentiality aside, I replied that I did, because I had. Shortly after, I was approached by Lorden and was asked the same question. I responded that I had and then decided to add a, "You did great, man." He walked away pumping his fist. Why I said this to him I do not know. Perhaps it was peer pressure. Perhaps it would just have been strange to tell him the truth. In the end, Lorden won, and he believed that I helped him get there when in reality I didn't and thought he was a pompus douche. I shutter at the thought that my words, fallacious in nature, could have boosted his self-confidence in any way.
In contrast, if I were to be approached today by John McCain and Barack Obama, in a similar fashion to snot-nosed, pimply high school juniors, I would not hesitate to tell Barack Obama that I have been voting for him in my heart for 4 years and have cast my ballot in his favor. I would then hug him until the secret service pried me off. Yes, I have a man crush on Obama...and also on Don Draper...it's platonic ladies, I swear. If John McCain were to then ask me who I voted for I would not seek approval of him by lying. I would blatantly and tell him that I would unequivocally never vote for the man that he has become during this campaign, based on his backwards ideals and as a matter of principle. I do not want an ailing man sauntering around the oval office while Caribou Barbie knits in the corner.
In every election I've voted in, my guy has lost. The first election I voted in was the California Recall Election in which I voted against the recall. That didn't fly, so I then voted for Cruz Bustamante to replace Gray Davis. Instead, the Austrian mass of meat said, "Not dis time," and inexplicably, in the face of logic and common sense, became the Governator instead. Whatever happened to Cruz Bustamante anyway? The next major election I participated in was the 2004 Democratic Primary. I voted for Wesley Clark to become the Democratic nominee. Instead, Treebeard lumbered over the finish line to the yawn of democrats everywhere. Then, in the 2004 Presidential Election, Captain Kangaroo eeked out another victory. In the 2008 Democratic Primary, I voted for my man Barack, but the Ice Queen blew him out in California. Thankfully, the same didn't go for the majority of the nation. And now, in the 2008 Presidential Election, I have voted for the Obama/Biden ticket 3 weeks in advance. I am cautiously optimistic that my losing streak will end not only for my personal ego but for the benefit of earth as a whole. Not to be facetious or anything, but I truly do believe that when Sarah Palin becomes president, while McCain is hooked up to a dialysis machine, being nourished through IV fluids, the sky will open up and we will witness the coming of the Apocalypse.
Barack Obama. Joe Biden. Swing states. America. Let's do it right this time. Can't you see that we've tried the other party for a really long time and it hasn't worked at all? Don't you want the other nations in the world to look up to us again? Can't we put away our Canadian flag pins when traveling?
Not to belabor the point that has been driven for two years now but...it's time for a change.
