Life's our oyster and we're gonna suck that bitch down with a champagne chaser.



  • Behavioral Therapist
  • MA Developmental Psychology, Columbia
  • BS Psychobiology/ French, UCLA




  • Movies to See:
    Mission Impossible
    Haywire
    Shame
    A Dangerous Method
    Underworld:Awakening


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    Portlandia
    The Life & Times of Tim


  • Book to Read:
    Game of Thrones
    by George R.R. Martin


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    El Camino


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    Newt Gingrich


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    Fox & Friends




 

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Sunday, January 21, 2007  
The Year that Sucked
It occured to me that I've been making these top 10 lists since 2003. That's...a long time ago. I was barely a freshman in college, immature, frightened and stupid. And now here I am in 2007, a senior in college about to graduate (shudder)... immature, frightened and stupid. What a long way I've come.

So now, let's finally put the year that was to rest for good...by reminiscing on what were the worst excuses for entertainment in 2006. The fact that five of the movies on my top 10 most anticipated list from last year, three of which made it to this year's top 10 worst list, is disheartening. Here's to a better year at the movies.

Top Ten Worst Movies of 2006

10. THE LAST KISS

Ok this movie wasn't actually a bad movie. I gave it 4/5 stars on Netflix. So why's it on this list? Because it was just so god damn depressing in the way it depicted relationships. While watching scenes from this movie I would think to myself, "Oh that's funny...that's something I would say," and then the guy's girlfriend would slap him or throw a bottle at him. I guess I need some work.

9. CARS

Pixar usually doesn't disappoint...usually. This movie was just so long and so into itself that it drove (haha) me nuts. It dragged on for about an hour too long, the animation wasn't that impressive and Owen Wilson's voice is grating. The fact that I hate car racing as a "sport" doesn't help either.

8. THE DA VINCI CODE

Ok the movie was entertaining enough but it suffered from a bad case of "The Audience is Filled with Mental Defects so Let's Spell Everything Out For Them" Syndrome (or TAiFwMDsLSEOFT Syndrome for you psych majors out there). And I don't think I've spoken to someone who wasn't profoundly disturbed by Tom Hankses doo. A coiffe that would make Donald Trump blush.

7. HOSTEL

It's tradition to have at least one movie on this list that I haven't seen, and this movie I will not see under any circumstances. This isn't a horror movie, it's a sadistic, disgusting piece of junk. Would you like to watch 2 hours of some guy torturing another human being? I saw one scene from this movie by accident and it involved the torturer taking a blow torch to a young girl's eyeball. The eye then swells up and pops out of the socket. I just have one question, when's the inevitable sequel coming out?

6. THE SENTINEL

I saw this movie for one reason and one reason only: Kiefer. Except, Jack Bauer didn't make an appearance in this movie. It was some strange caricature of him that led to a boring as hell storyline that I could care less about. Oh and hey Eva Longoria...stop trying to act in serious roles. Stick with that Housewives gig for a couple of months before it gets cancelled then go sell blenders with Suzanne Somers on QVC. I saw you at that gym...you're not that hot.

5. SNAKES ON A PLANE

No one was expecting Oscar-calibre writing or acting from this movie. They just wanted to be entertained by a mindless movie about serpents on an airline. Instead everyone was pretty much laughing at the movie....not with it.

4. LADY IN THE WATER

Hey Mortimer Night (that's what the M stands for doesn't it?)... stop smokin' the ganja when you come up with your movies. Basing a movie off of a crackheaded fairytale you tell your kids? Cute, but lame. Nice try.

3. THE NIGHT LISTENER

I have NO cuhlue what was happening in this movie, nor did I care. I just know that Robin Williams didn't crack any jokes, Christina from "Grey's Anatomy" had 3 lines in the movie and Macullay Culkin's brother is in it for a few minutes. And clocking in at 1 hour and 16 minutes, this barely qualifies as a film.

2. MIAMI VICE

I saw this movie for free (thank god) at the Director's Guild and for most of the movie, people were cracking up either at the ridiculous dialogue, the sex scenes that didn't make any sense (how can you make a sex scene unintelligible) and the horrible acting. Even the gunfire wasn't realistic...they sounded like paintball guns. Walking out of the theater I heard at least 3 times people mumbling under their breath various forms of, "What asshole greenlit that piece of crap," or, "I want the last 2 hours of my life back."

1. X-MEN 3: THE LAST STAND

Everyone who has spoken to me at least once since May knows how much this movie made me mad. Why should a stupid movie get to me like that? Because it only destroyed a little piece of my childhood that I was still holding on to. You don't kill every beloved character from the storyline just because you can't pay them or you want to end the franchise cause you got in a fight with Bryan Singer. These comic books were a part of my youth and Brett Ratner and Halle Berry and the so-called screenwriters went and pissed on it, vomited on it, fell asleep on it, drooled a little, woke up, then pissed on it again. This is a disgraceful piece of filmmaking and is an insult to passionate fanboys such as myself.


That was emotionally draining. Closing out the annual tradition for 2006, here are the movies I'm looking forward to seeing in the coming year. Hopefully none of them will end up on next year's top 10 worst list.

Top Ten Most Anticipated Movies of 2007

10. EVAN ALMIGHTY - June 22nd

9. THE SIMPSONS MOVIE - July 27th

8. OCEAN'S 13 - June 8th

7. SHREK THE THIRD - May 18th

6. THE BOURNE ULTIMATUM - August 3rd

5. TRANSFORMERS - July 4th

4. PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: AT WORLD'S END - May 26th

3. 300 - March 9th

2. HARRY POTTER AND THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX - July 13th

1. SPIDER-MAN 3 - May 4th


Well there you have it. Judge me if you will for my choices, but you must keep in mind...that I know more than you.
10:08 PM
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