Saturday, May 27, 2006 They're Celebrities!!! Get Them Out of Here!!! Many of you, much like me, are immersed in the world of TV and movies. We enjoy them, we anticipate them. But, unlike many of you, you don't spend (waste) time on movie websites which provide news on various upcoming films from various studios, mostly focusing on "superhero" or "comic book" movies. It's for this reason that I was so emotionally disturbed and insulted by the piece of garbage that was X-Men: The Last Stand. I won't waste space on this website discussing it because I don't want to waste any more time on it than I have over the past couple months. It will make 200 futillion dollars this weekend no matter what but I don't want to waste any more of my brain's action potentials on that disaster. I won't talk about how it was such a rushed and shoddy job. I won't talk about how they utterly destroyed one of the most prolific stories in the history of comic books. I won't talk about the disrespect they showed to fans of the franchise by making this load of croc turd. I won't.
Some of you might ask why one should get so immersed in this world. What's the point? Why should I get so excited over pictures like these from the set of Spider-Man 3:
I don't know. I guess I pass it off as a hobby, as a distraction, amidst the textbooks, notes and exams that typically inhabit my daily life. It's with the same enthusiasm that people obsess over the personal lives of celebrities. Celebrities like Paris Hilton. What did she wear last night? (A piece of masking tape and two oyster shells) Who's she sleeping with? (Los Angeles) Who really cares? (Way too many people)
Each year, Darwin Awards are "awarded" to people who are, well, stupid. It is for this basis, and this basis alone, that I nominate the demi-god of Hollywood, in Paris Hilton, to receive a Darwin Award. There are many reasons and incidents that justify this. First off, there's her just being a giant 'tard.
Paris Hilton made a potentially dangerous blunder at a party recently.
The hotel heiress, who had thrown a surprise birthday bash for boyfriend Stavros Niarchos, shocked guests by jumping into her pool after a garden light had fallen in.
"Everyone was stunned. Paris was lucky she didn't get electrocuted," a source told the Sunday Mirror. "She thought it was hilarious. Stavros jumped in next and accidentally knocked her on the head in the process."
Hilton later treated her guests to a pole dancing session.
The insider added, "Paris was so drunk she could barely hold on to the pole - let alone dance."
People get drunk on parties at all the time. But picture in your mind the series of events that led to a light falling in the pool, the syphillis-carrier jumping into said pool, said carrier not being electrocuted to death and then pole-dancing for the rest of the time.
Her neurological blunders also expand into the business side of her life. At E3 this year, the annual video game convention held in L.A, she was there to promote her new mobile phone game.
"Sorry I'm late. I'm really excited to have my new video game, 'Diamondquest.' Thank you all for coming, and you can download the game."
Not only does she say something totally moronic... and grammatically bizarre...but the damn game is called "Jewel Jam"...not "Diamondquest." Two strikes, sister.
Strike three comes again from her personal life. Her choices in her dating life are no doubt questionable. But the last offense come from pictures from a Polish website showing her dating a certain ex-Trojan football player. A certain number 10 draft pick. Dating a Trojan? The recent scandals involving football players and...females...is appealing to you? Fair enough. Time to write up your acceptance speech, because Paris Hilton, you just won the Darwin Award for Idiotic Celebrity of the Year.... but wait? What, ho? I'm sorry, Ms. Hilton, but it seems you have competition...
"This is why I need a gun." Maybe she isn't an incompetent mother. Maybe she's just homicidal. In any case, I do believe Ms. Spears deserves to receive the Darwin Award for Most Inept and Fertile Celebrity of the Year... but WAIT! The minions of Tom Cruise are on the prowl...
Yes, the Scientologists. The people whose beliefs, according to Wikipedia, consist of the following:
A person is an immortal spiritual being (termed a thetan) who possesses a mind and a body.
Through the Scientology process of "auditing", one can free oneself of "engrams" and "implants" to reach the state of "Clear", and after that, the state of "Operating Thetan". Each state is said to represent recovering the native spiritual abilities of the individual, and to confer dramatic mental and physical benefits.
The thetan has lived through many past lives and will continue to live beyond the death of the body.
A person is basically good, but becomes "aberrated" by moments of pain and unconsciousness in his or her life.
What is true for you is what you have observed yourself. No beliefs should be forced as "true" on anyone. Thus, the tenets of Scientology are expected to be tested and seen to either be true or not by Scientology practitioners.
Psychiatry and psychology are evil and abusive.
Their ideas, to start with, aren't that crazy. I mean, I'd be much more comfortable believing in a form of reincarnation than some idealized, eternal afterlife. But then they come along out of nowhere with quips about psychiatry and psychlogy... and then there's Lord Xenu....
Ok fine, so they're fucking nuts. But it doesn't stop at them being crazy. When people like Tom Cruise start speaking publicly about subjects that he wasn't educated in, like psychology, and people listen to him, it is destructive. Of course I do agree that children shouldn't be strongly medicated as some of them are these days. It should be reserved as a last resort. For adults, however, this medication does save lives. There is science behind it... dumbass. So, for trying to alter the fabric of modern medicine on the basis of a Science Fiction author's fancifications in a fictional book, the Scientologists receive the Darwin Award for Ignorant and Imbecilic Group of Celebrities (and Non-Celebrities) of the Year.
Sure, Paris Hilton and Britney Spears aren't the sharpest tools in the shed, but that's how they are. They're being their dumb selves. But the celebrity Scientologists, they're something else. They think their twisted religon is based on truth. If the Dianetics handbook was published into major motion picture, it might be entertaining. It might be as terrible as X-Men 3, but at least people would realize it was fiction.
Wednesday, May 17, 2006 The Earth is on Fire Someone really needs to tell the UCLA academic scheduling people that midterms during sweeps is an unholy sin. However, until they figure it out, I won't have an original post on this blog for the next couple of days. Instead, I shall leave you with an excerpt from my good buddy Bill Maher's closing monologue from his show a couple weeks ago. The topic of said monologue could render all this gratuitous studying and test-taking worthless if action is not taken. In any case, I found it fascinating and completely true. Enjoy.
And finally, New Rule: Nobody can use the phrase "our greatest problem" anymore unless you're talking about global warming. President Bush has been saying we're in a war on terror, and now I get it. He's not saying "terror," he's saying "terra" as in "terra firma," as in the Earth. George Bush is an alien sent here to destroy the Earth! I know it sounds crazy, but it made perfect sense when Tom Cruise explained it to me last week.
Now, last week on "60 Minutes," James Hansen, who is NASA's leading expert on the science of climate delivered the world's most important message. He said, "We have to, in the next ten years, begin to decrease the rate of carbon dioxide emissions and then flatten it out. If that doesn't happen in ten years, we're going to be passing certain tipping points. If the ice sheets begin to disintegrate, what can you do about it? You can't tie a rope around an ice sheet." Although I know a certain cowboy from Crawford who might think you could.
And that cowboy and his corporate goons at the White House tried to censor Mr. Hansen from delivering that message, claiming such warnings were speculative. This from the crowd that rushed into a war based on an article in the Weekly Standard. This - this from the guy who thinks Kyoto is that Japanese emperor dude his dad threw up on.
Global warming is not speculative. It threatens us enough so that it should be considered a national security issue. Failing to warn the citizens of a looming weapon of mass destruction - and that's what global warming is - in order to protect oil company profits, well, that fits, for me, the definition of treason. And codified treason.
Please, wait a second. The guy in the White House who made the edits was Phil Cooney, who had been an oil industry lobbyist before given this job as head of the White House Council on Environmental Quality. That's the office that is supposed to be watching out for us. But that's where Phil busied himself crossing stuff out in scientists' reports, because apparently in Phil's mind, he hadn't switched jobs. He was just doing his old job - oil industry lobbyist - from a different office. You know, in the "people's house."
Republicans have succeeded in making the environment about some tie-dyed dude from Seattle who lives in a solar-powered yurt and eats twigs. It's not. This issue should be driven by something conservatives are much more familiar with: utter selfishness. That's my motivation. I don't want to live my golden years having to put on a hazmat suit just to go down and get the mail. Those are my Viagra years. When I'll be thinking about having children.
But I wouldn't know what to tell a kid about our world in 20 years. "Dad, tell me about the birds and bees." "They're all gone. Now, eat your Soylent Green." We are letting dying men kill our planet for cash, and they're counting on us being too greedy or distracted, or just plain lazy, to stop them.
So, on this day, the 17th anniversary of the Exxon Valdez oil spill, let us pause to consider how close we are to making ourselves fossils from the fossil fuels we extract. In the next 20 years, almost a billion Chinese people will be trading in their bicycles for the automobile. Folks, we either get our shit together on this quickly, or we're going to have to go to Plan B: inventing a car that runs on Chinese people.
The earth is trying, rightfully, to be rid of the pestilence of humans. While she has every right, let's convince her that we're worth her while. How about it owners of Hummers, users of hairspray and members of the Bush cabinet?
Oh wait, immigration is a way more pressing issue.
11:12 PM Comments
Thursday, May 11, 2006 Humpty Dumpty Had a Great Fall, That Clumsy Son of a Bitch Ever since I was a wee lad, I had dreamt about having the ability to fly. Like Superman. Sadly, this week my body told me, "No. You cannot fly."
It had been a particularly long day, Tuesday, One of those 9-6 days. The kind of day where you'd rather stay in bed instead of waking up. The kind of day that, well, sucks. Aside from my usual classes beginning at the ungodly hour of 9am, I had to run participants in the research study I'm working for. In between those studies, I inputted data from the study in a grad student's office. After that, at around 5:30, I went to a Psych Honors Society meeting which I felt obligated to go to since I missed the last meeting. You see? I'm a good boy. I went to class, got a perfect score on my Neuroscience quiz, worked in the clinic, spent two hours inputting data, worked in the clinic some more and went to an honors society meeting. In addition! I gave moral support to one Mr. Dehar, who's running for Campus Events Commissioner (VOTE, BITCH!), as he handed out fliers on Bruinwalk, all while donning my Bruins United t-shirt which I generously purchased from a friend who's also running in the election. You see? I'm a good lad. I completed my hefty share of academic duties as well as my friendly duties, and how does the earth pay me back? By rewarding me with a healthy serving of concrete and bricks.
You see, after completing my tasks for the day at around 6:30 pm, it was time for me to leave. To go to my car and leave. But the brick steps in front of Kerckhoff Hall would have nothing of it. As I descended the steps, the same steps I've been ascending and descending for the past three years, one of my legs, the left, decided to tuck itself behind my other leg, the right. My body, the smart puppy that it is, albeit a rock-hard and powerful one (ladies), decided to keep propelling itself forward. As you might imagine, even without a course in elementary physics, the results were not favorable.
As I became airborne, I wasn't sure what to think. There are about six steps from the top to the bottom and I was in the air above the steps, set to land (or crash, depending on how you look at it) at the base of the steps. And before you scold me for not gripping the handrail, there isn't one on those steps (next year's USAC platform perhaps?). Needless to say, I got to 2nd base with a substantial piece of concrete, leaving my chin with its own moat and my left arm in shambles. I should be thankful, I suppose, that more people weren't around to witness it. In the process of tumbling, my cell phone also became airborne and landed about 10 feet from me. A nice girl with a lovely expression on her face was kind enough to retrieve it for me. "Thanks. I'm an idiot," I said to her, mangled, crimson chin in hand. The Jehova's Witness who was pretty set to try to tell me why I should witness Jehova in case he's put on trial, sheathed his propaganda in his throat and said, "You alright, brother?" I peered at him through the corner of my eye as I gathered myself and responded, "Happens to the best of us, I guess," as I bled, just missing his faux-Armani suit. With my head down as to not scare any young ones, I suppose, I briskly walked to my car. Along the way I saw some Bruins United constituents who noticed my shirt and complimented me on it. I thanked them by not looking directly at them. I finally got to my car, and drove away, clutching a tissue to my brutalized chin, looking as if I was pondering something the entire way home.
I realized I had a midterm to study for as I got home, noticing the horrified expression on my mother's face. "You have to go to the emergency room!" she said. I avoided looking directly into my bathroom mirror and said, "I can't. I have a midterm tomorrow." You see? I'm a good boy.
No matter how much self-defense I teach or take, I always manage to get the shit kicked out of me, all by myself. From airbags to brick-laden steps, I've faced the most gruesome of foes.
It turns out that I probably should've gone to the hospital to get a couple stitches, but it's too late now. The healing process has already begun and this massive bandage on my face is just too damn attractive.
As I always say, somewhat condescendingly, when anyone complains about anything to me: "It builds character."
3:59 PM Comments
Thursday, May 04, 2006 Colbert-Span Part III Ok prepare yourself folks. You're about to be flooded with a YouTube deluge. A certain Mr. Dehar accused my website of turning into a "Vlog." While, I assure it hasn't and won't, this post is an exception to the rule. This wasn't planned but recent, eventful video clips have surfaced that demand publication. But first, the promised conclusion to Stephen Colbert's speech.... to our president.
YouTube, against their better judgement, has been yanking these clips from their website. Rest assured that they will be reposted and reposted again by noble patriots.
And, as expected, the response from sour, douchebaggy Fox News...
...as well as the bowtie toting assclown Tucker Carlson....
...was bitchy and lame.
However, with those expected responses from the right-wing came something else. Something unrelated to our good buddy Stephen Colbert but all the more intriguing and alarming. The first, second, third, fourth, fifth.... all the way up till thirty-seventh horsemen of the Apocalypse reared their ugly heads on Fox News recently. Now before you rush to the assumption that the disgusting people I'm referring to are the Fox News anchors themselves.... think again.
And people wonder why I scoff at organized religions. I never EVER EVER thought I would agree with a sliver of what anything a Fox News anchor, especially Sean Hannity, was saying but jesus CHRIST this woman is out of her god damn mind. It has nothing to do with being Democrat, Republican, gay, straight, black, white, cylon, human.... these kids (and they are kids) are fighting in a (bullshit) war and dying because they didn't have options. Options people like me have the privilege of having. Now, whenever people use god, the bible or religion in general to justify something occuring here on earth, I stop listening for the most part. But the use of this woman's (if she even is human) so-called god is so revolting and just plain depressing that I'm forced to side with "normal" (what a loaded word) pious people who believe that religion is a tool that should be used to spread love and acceptance for your fellow man.
In any case, I'm pretty sure this creature and the people of her "church" will pretty much burn in hell, or at least be burned alive by the non-psychos of her hometown.
Perhaps the one good thing to come out of this woman's filthy mind is that I gained some sort of minimal respect for Fox News.... and, of course, that respect is instantly erased when the O'Reilly Factor comes on.
2:57 AM Comments
Tuesday, May 02, 2006 Colbert-Span Part I These days, most of America's youth gets their news from TheDaily Show or TheColbert Report. Some may call this a sad state of affairs. Others may call it depressing. I call it a triumph in American politics. This past weekend, Stephen Colbert spoke at the White House Correspondent's Dinner. I guess among the endless mass of Fox News anchors, they needed a legitimate voice. Over the next few days I will post parts of Stephen Colbert's speech, since YouTube has decided to curb the length of videos these days. I guess I'll keep you readers coming back for more each day, non?
It's kinda sad that Dubya doesn't quite seem to get that he's being overtly mocked in front of hundreds of people on national television. It provides for fantastic comedy though. Hail to the chief.
2:08 AM Comments
