Life's our oyster and we're gonna suck that bitch down with a champagne chaser.




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Thursday, April 27, 2006  
Green Eggs and Spam
From the first time I heard the "Welcome" and "You've got mail" exclamations during the glory days of AOL, which I believe was around 1995 or 1996 for me at least, we've been receiving what has been affectionately termed "spam." I'm not sure as to when it turned to being either extremely explicit offerings of horses and teens doing naughty things or extremely elaborate schemes which are meant to scheme you of your hard-earned cash. I normally delete these emails, if they're not automatically deleted for me already, but one such dirty email made its way through the barriers. It read, and I quote:
get n@ughty wit cum teenS
buy &ialis an via*gra
wh)p you big d^ck out to s!eer your c@r

Now aside from being relatively explicit, the email's proposal is perplexing. Yeah ok, I could buy those pills to enlarge my assets (although why would I want to, given the state of the Union... am I right ladies?) why in the hell would I want to steer my car with it!? Let's forget the logistics about how one's fatboy slim would even be able to grip the steering wheel. Simply take into account what sort of dire situation which would end in your mandingo steering your automobile. I don't think I would ever find myself in a situation in which both my hands, my knee and my chin are occupied while driving at which point I would think to myself, "Time to call the Pentagon, launch the F-15." If anything, if the guided muscle would need to be ejected in a car, it ain't to steer the damn car.

From the downright unprofessional, we come to the convincing, make-you-think-twice spam emails. I would like to preface this by saying, I am indeed now a millionaire and thank you all for your support over the past couple of years. With that said, I shall now reveal to you how I have procured such funds.
FROM: INTERNATIONAL PROMOTION/PRIZE AWARD DEPT.
REFERENCE: 67/80/IPD
BATCH: EGGS-541-623-782:
RE: WINNING NOTIFICATION / FINAL NOTICE

Sir/Madam
We are pleased to inform you of the result of the Euro millions Spanish Lottery Winners International E-mail programs held on the 4TH OF APRIL,2006 and result where release on the 17TH APRIL,2006. Your E-mail address attached to ticket number 653-908-321-675 with serial main number 345-790-241-671 drew lucky star numbers 34-32-90-43-32 which consequently won in the 2ND category, you have therefore been approved for a lump sum pay out of 1.000.000.00 Euro.(One Million Euro).

CONGRATULATIONS!!!
Due to mix up of some numbers and names, we ask that you keep your winning information confidential until your claims has been processed and your money remitted to you. This is part of our security protocol to avoid double claiming and unwarranted abuse of this program by some
participants. All participants were selected through a computer ballot system drawn from over 100,000 company and 50,000,000 individual email addresses and names from all over the world.

This lottery was promoted and sponsored by Spanish European Lottery board in order to enhance and promote the use of Internet Explorer Users and every three year. We hope with part of your winning you will take part in our end of year 50 million Euro International lottery. Microsoft-wares around the globe. This promotional program takes place

To file for your claim, please contact our fiduciary agent:
DR.ROBERT SANCHEZ
SANCHEZ SECURITY COMPANY ESPAÑA
TEL: +34-699-752-404
FAX: +34-911-849-901

Remember, all winning must be claimed not later than one month, After this date all unclaimed funds will be included in the next stake. Please note in order to avoid unnecessary delays and complications please remember to quote your reference number and batch numbers in all correspondence. Furthermore, should there be any change of address do inform our agent as soon as possible.

Congratulations once more from our members of staff and thank you for being part of our promotional program.

Note: Anybody under the age of 18 is automatically disqualified.

Sincerely yours,
MRS, LILIANA CARLOS
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This message is confidential. It may also be privileged or otherwise protected by work product immunity or other legal rules. If you have received it please let us know by reply it from your system; you should not copy it or disclose its contents to anyone. All messages sent to and from Sanchez Security Company España may be monitored to ensure compliance with internal policies and to protect your winning from the Euro Million Spanish Lottery Award Promotion. The contents of any email addressed to our clients are subject to our usual terms of business; anything which does not relate to the official business of the firm is neither given nor endorsed by it.

Now I don't know about you, but aside from the grammatical errors, heinous as they may be,this email doesn't seem all that scammy. I mean the administrator guy is a Doctor. A Doctor of what, Mr. Sanchez, I don't know. There's a little disclaimer at the bottom to scare you out of doing illegal things which makes you think the email isn't illegal and fake as well. However, here's where you went wrong Dr. Sanchez and Mrs. Carlos. You mentioned something about a "mix-up."That there is a red flag in the spam notebook. Also you say that this is a final notice. To the best of my recollection, there was no first notice, hence the proclamation of this being a final notice is a tip-off that you're full of chili. These sort of slip-ups keep you from playing with the big leagues, Spanish European Lottery/Sanchez Security Company. The Nigerian Prince and Princesses of the world. For now you can only dream, Sanchez.

You dirty, dirty Sanchez.

3:16 AM
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