Life's our oyster and we're gonna suck that bitch down with a champagne chaser.



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Thursday, November 17, 2005  
Stupid is is Stupid Does
From the time I took that ridiculous G.A.T.E entrance exam in 4th grade, I've been told that I'm in possession of some sort of above-average intelligence. While my mom insists upon this to this day, I believe that I am an idiot. Perhaps I write a nice essay here and there or can solve a few calculus problems somewhere else, but truly and utterly, like every other human on earth, I am stupid.

My 4th grade teacher, Miss Zanka, has always been one of my favorite teachers. She was enthusiastic about teaching us wee ones and was generally a very nice person. I always remember her Cuban boyfriend waiting out in the hallway before recess. He would smile at us and we would wave. Come to think of it, that was kind of strange. Anyway, like any 3rd or 4th or 5th grade class, we got assigned ridiculous projects and essays to do. One that I had forgotten about until recently was an in class essay about the Iroquois Indians and whatever bullshit they did whenever they did it. I remember writing about the fighting tactics they used, namely guerilla warfare. After turning in our papers, we proceeded to do whatever 9 year olds did in 4th grade, pouring glitter on something, coloring in a picture of a herd of moose, eating paper, whatever and Miss Zanka read our papers. When she got to mine (I knew she had because my desk was right in front of her desk), she started laughing hysterically. I thought that I had infused my paper with some sort of ingenious humor that altered my otherwise dull paper on the Iroquois Indians into something special... It turns out that no, this is not what happened. My tiny 9 year old mind, instead of writing about guerilla warfare, wrote about gorilla warfare, the practice in which the Iroquois Indians would employ fighting tactics similar to apes in order to defeat their enemies.

Now, perhaps many children thought that Native Americans did indeed fight like monkeys, but the fact that I thought that my paper was so outstanding that my teacher would laugh out loud and give me a B+ because I was such a genius is not only naive, but downright stupid.

Maybe I'm being too harsh on my young self. I was really adorable and relatively smart given the goo of the crop that attended Horace Mann Elementary. (To any Horace Mann alums reading this, you are not included in this classification) But this utter stupidity carries over to the person I am today. A few months ago I get an email from Paypal asking me to verify my credit card information for them in the email. "Oh gosh golly willickers that seems legitimate," I thought to myself. A week later I get a call from Washington Mutual telling me that someone was trying to withdraw a couple hundred dollars from my account but was not successful. Consequently, I had to open a new account and learn about "phishing," the practice of extorting credit card information through fraudulent emails, from a pamphlet courtesy of the bank. So, now, instead of having people steal my money, I freely give it away to the likes of eBay, for useless crap I don't need, and the UCLA Store, for ugly jackets that I do not want.

Losing your car keys, I'm told, is something that everyone does at some point in their lives. If you detach the first part of that sentence and insert any other action, the phrase can be used to comfort someone. Defecating in your trousers is something that everyone does at some point in their lives. Throwing up on the Prime Minister of Liechtenstein is something that everyone does at some point in their lives. Being eaten by Star Jones is something everyone does at some point in their lives. (A'thank you) Needless to say, this faux-comfort line did not ease my woes after I lose my car keys at the Rose Bowl last week. In fact it made me even angrier because it just reassured me that I am indeed as stupid as everyone else on this planet.

Gifted and Talented Education, indeed.
3:57 PM
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