Life's our oyster and we're gonna suck that bitch down with a champagne chaser.




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Monday, July 25, 2005  
Hail to Ra
Amidst the chaos that is this summer, one thing is certain: it's too god damn HOT.

There are certain situations where people are just pre-disposed to panic and being idiots. Such situations include driving in the rain, a 3.1 earthquake, power outages (or as the kids call them, "rolling blackouts") and heatwaves. Now I, as many people, do not particularly enjoy walking around too long in the sweltering heat. I seek shelter and air conditioning as soon as its available. But others, well, they take walking in the sun for 15 minutes to the extreme.

I understand that some people have skin conditions or are particularly sensitive to the sun and must therefore shield themselves from the sun...that being said, people who walk around with umbrellas when its hot just get under my skin. And I always see them in the morning, in the shade, when the heat hasn't even escalated yet, walking around with their own personal shield. Young, fit and seemingly healthy people do not need that much protection. There's this new thing called sunscreen, folks. It's ooey. It's gooey. It's effective. Use it.
Umbrella hats are excusable cause I think they're cool.

I like water. In fact, I love water. It's a good beverage and is particularly useful to us humans. But those of you who walk around with more than 2 water bottles strapped to your backpack, fanny pack, cargo pants pockets or crotch are either on fire or stupid. It's not the Sahara, it's Southern California. If you need a water bottle, that's fine, but you don't need all the reserve supplies of H2O. That also goes for those ridiculous backpacks with the straw sticking out of them. What're you, a pirate, storing water in leather pouches? Get rid of it or walk the plank.

I have a tan. I like my tan. It's nice. But people who like to lay out in the sun from noon to dusk are not gaining an attractive tan. Beef jerky, last time I checked, is not a sub-species of human. It's called skin cancer. Get out of the sun before a dog drags you away by your genitals. Also, if you're going to use spray-on tans.....don't use spray-on tans. You're never going to equal this sleek, mocha tan with that weird orange, invasion of the body snatchers, skin tone.

People like me who insist on wearing long pants and jeans in 90 plus degree heat: Admit it, we're stupid.

Joggers: Stop jogging in the heat. You're going to die. And face it, the fat's there for good. Time to go the Al Roker route.

Star Jones is fat. (I really don't know how else to fit in the Star Jones zinger this time.)

Local news anchors: Please stop saying things like, "So Todd, how long's this heatwave gonna last?" Todd doesn't know. Jimmy doesn't know. Fritz doesn't know. Don't ask them because that'll just encourage their lies and deceit.

And finally, ladies who wear short shorts, short tank tops, tight shorts, tight tank tops, sports bras and panties: Keep doing it. It's effective and is a benefit to mankind.

Did you know that Fetket is the sun god's butler? I didn't.


On an unrelated side note, people who send emails with more than one "Re:" or "Fwd:" will be sterilized and/or strangled. Sorry, but you have it coming. (Coming in blanks from now on, however.)

This posting is rated TV-MA. It contains innuendos that may or may not work.

2:06 PM
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