The Jazzy Bahsoun

Life's our oyster and we're gonna suck that bitch down with a champagne chaser.

Behavioral Therapist
MA Developmental Psychology, Columbia
BS Psychobiology/ French, UCLA

Shelfari: Book reviews on your book blog

Movies to See:
Mission Impossible
Haywire
Shame
A Dangerous Method
Underworld:Awakening

TV Shows to Watch:
Portlandia
The Life & Times of Tim

Book to Read:
Game of Thrones
by George R.R. Martin

Album to Listen to:
The Black Keys
El Camino

Person to Hate:
Newt Gingrich

Group of People to Despise:
Fox & Friends

Bitchin Links

Blogs and Writers of Note

Mary's Website

Mary's Blog

Ravi's Blog

Lauren's Blog

Cheryl's LiveJournal

TV Squad

The Soup

Cracked

Best Week Ever

The Chive

On Location Vacations

Cute Overload

Michael Moore's Blog

Joel Stein Columns

Maureen Dowd Columns

Secular Coalition of America

Richard Dawkins

Personal Stuff

My Facebook

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My Books

Machatz Self-Defense

For Politics and Political Satire

The Huffington Post

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Politico

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The Onion

The Colbert Nation

Truthdig

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart

For Entertainment

Ain't It Cool News

IGN

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DVD Active

Movie Stinger

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Movie Mistakes

For Humor and Other Things

HuffPost Comedy

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Shit My Dad Says

F My Life

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People of Walmart

E-Mails from an Asshole

Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster

God Checker

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Strong Bad Email

Japander: See Actors Embarrass Themselves Abroad

Landover Baptist Church: Jesus Loves You Sometimes

For Bruins

The Daily Bruin

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UCLA Bruin Marching Band: The Solid Gold Sound

The REAL $UC Application

Old Stuff

March 2003
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Friday, June 17, 2005
The Return of the King
As you, the loyal reader, may or not be aware, the end of finals has come. In the wake of the aftermath, pending any of those dreadful grades, it was time for some down time. Since pretty much everyone either had finals the next day or abandoned me for their so-called "homes," I was left to entertain myself with some games and DVDs. So as I indulged myself in a round of Crimson Skies (you knew I was a dorkus maximus), my cell phone rings. Perhaps someone with alternate ideas of entertainment? Perhaps a lady friend of some sort? Caller ID reads "Unknown Caller." Unknown caller? It's always either someone in my phonebook or the phone number shows up. I decided to throw caution to the wind and answer the phone.

"Hello?"
"HIII there."
"...Hi."
"Hiiii."
"Hello."
"Hi....This is Bonnie from Highlander."
"....Uuuh?"
"....and Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter and Marvel Comics."
I don't...understand!
"Oh...ok."
"Are you a fan of any of these?"
"Yeah...sure...Lord of the Rings?"
Did I win something?
"Oh faaaabulous. That's one of my faaaavorites."
"Oh ok."
"Anything else?"
No..nothing else...don't say anything else.
"I do enjoy Marvel."
Idiot.
"Oh me toooo."
"Good."
"Faaabulous."
"....YYYah."
"Well, as you know, Swords Direct deals in the most authentic......."
Wait, what??
".....the most authentic fictional swords in the business."
Ok first of all, if they're fictional they're not authentic. And second, what business would that be?
"Oh....good to know."
"We accept no imitations at Swords Direct. I'm sure you know this from our catalogue."
What fucking catalogue?!
"Yes of course, of course."
I so did not win anything.
"Are you a sword collector?"
"Not in particular....no"
My friend Lancelot is though.
"Well now's the time to start!"
"Why is that?"
"Because I'm calling to offer you a FAAAAAAAbulous discount."
"Is that right?"
Get out of this. Get out of this now.
"Of course. Do you have a credit card of some sort?"
Lie!
"No."
"How about a debit card? Those are popular these days."
Lie again!....Popular? Really?
"Nope."
"Oh. And how old are you?"
LIE AGAIN!!
"17."
"I see. Well you see, I can't do business with you if you're under 18."
But I had such a nice conversation with you, Bonnie.
"Oh darn."
"Is your mother around?"
"She sure isn't."
"Do you know when she'll be around?"
"She's out of town so in about a week."
"Well do you think if I call back she'd be willing to speak with me."
Yeah...sure. When it starts raining fireballs and beetles, she'll have a chat with you.
"I'm not sure."
"Well is she a Lord of the Rings fan?"
"Hahahahaha not in the least."
"So she wouldn't be interested in swords?"
"My mom...no...she wouldn't be interested in swords."
"Do you have a birthday coming up?"
"I do, I do."
"Ooooh the big 18!"
Hahahahahahhahahaha.
"That's right."
"Well maybe she'll be willing to get you a sword for your birthday!"
Oh god...she's pulling you back in....lie....lie like you've never lied before.
"Well you see...."
You can do it!
"Well you see....we're Scientologists. And as Scientologists, my mother wouldn't be too keen to purchase swords because of their destructive connotations."
Oh...my...god.
"I see."
"Yeah....."
"Well it was nice doing business with you, sir."
"Nice chatting with you Bonnie."
"Ok...buh-bye now."

As I hung up the phone, I sat in awe at my lying prowess. Was it a gift? Or was it something else. Something more. More powerful. Or maybe it was something that could corrupt. A power so overwhelming, that it corrupted everyone in possession of it.

Whoah, getting too Lord of the Rings-y, there.

What I'm trying to get at, is that this sort of guile and defiance is something of a gift to us youths. Older, wiser people may simply say to Bonnie to shove off and hang up. But not us. We are, we are...the youth of the nation. We rebel and we take on this society. No matter how small the cause, the youths are there to mess with it somehow, for better or for worse. It was fun messing with ol' Bonnie right there. She wasted a few minutes of my time so I thought it was proper to shut her down properly. (The Scientology thing was a stroke of genius...come on) So the next time you are confronted with a telemarketer, a wily professor or the Republican party, (I couldn't let you go without a partisan zinger) deal with them good and proper. Challenge your imagination and wits to reject the telemarketer, challenge your own intelligence by shutting down that professor's exams....

As for the Repubes....flamethrowers should do the job.
5:35 AM
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