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Wednesday, June 29, 2005  
Minor in the Humanities
It has occured to me that humans are inherently annoying. It has also come to my attention, much to my utter dismay, that I am indeed human. Now I don't mean to say that any of the esteemed readers of T.J.B. (it'll catch on) are annoying (all the time) but it is a fact that when humans aren't trained in the arts of existing properly...they are SOOOOOOO annoying!

Here at UCLA, I have been privileged to meet some of the nicest, most down to earth people I have ever met. On the other hand...I have also met the most annoying, uncivilized and maladroit people on this planet. I can't honestly expect to go through life without encountering these people day to day, but I can't help but complain. The following is an account of several (but not all) species of unpleasant meat bags I have encountered recently.

Asianus compulsive-eaterus
This creature enjoys feeding constantly before, during and after a lecture or discussion. The typical ravenous college student (of any race) does not apply. This asian female (I'm sorry but it's always an asian female) insists on having a picnic at her 3x5 desk everyday. A typical observed meal at an 8 AM lecture consists of a bagel, yogurt, ham sandwich, meatball soup, churro and a soda. As if it is not bad enough to have an 8 AM class, this creature must subject anyone within a 30 foot radius the stench of a meatball soup as well as the inhumane manner of feeding.....SLURPING AND MASHING WITH YOUR MOUTH OPEN IS NOT CIVILIZED...blasted humans.

Laptopia nervosa
This species has the incredible urge to record every lecture verbatim....which I guess is fine. But the defining feature of this creature is the hostile manner of typing. A simple act of typing up an outline of notes turns into the soundtrack to Saving Private Ryan, leading to startled (and sometimes humorous) reactions by fellow classmates attempting to dodge incoming gunfire.

Bizarro-squirmia mannerismus
When observing a species of this nature, it is not unusual to remark bizarre movements, mannerisms and actions. Typical examples include the supernatural contorting of one's neck and/or spine for the purpose of cracking; sleeping positions consisting of sleeping on one's elbow/hand/shoulder/thigh/chest; the practicing of freshly learned actions such as the Persian snap, twirling of a pen betwixt one's fingers and the tossing of one's pen into the air followed by an ineffective attempt at catching it and finally the inevitable Plastic Man-esque attempts to retrieve dropped items from the floor which are clearly too far away to pick up from one's seat. (I am guilty of the final act)

Stompius beastius
This steel-foot bearing creature insists on entering a lecture hall as if in preparation for their Soviet Army marching exam. This action draws the attention of all others which seems to either amuse said beast or leave them unphased. Several imprints of this creature's warpath have been reported although few have returned upon discovering the prints.

And finally,
Questionaskus incessantus
This creature, sometimes viewed as the most vile of all, always seems to be confused by something or needs extensive clarification atypical of the normal human. Questions are usually asked at inopportune times such as the VERY END OF CLASS. This attack creates a barrier between other students and the exit which is said to result from the fear of missing important bits of information which never arise. The most ruthless act of such a monster, besides the actual question asking, is the follow-up question which can even exceed the excruciating pain induced by the initial question. Defenses used against such fiends include the evil eye, the rolling eye, the deep sigh and the corner evil eye. Such attacks, however, are usually ineffective and are usually used to subdue the rage of other students.

As each species is encountered in our daily lives, great caution must be taken, but also humor must be an ally. Without our abililties to mock these ridiculous people, we would be left with an undying rage which would probably culminate in the murder of...pretty much everyone. This evil must not be taken on all at once. If each species is mocked one by one, eventually, and hopefully, all their power over us as decent human beings will dissipate.

Baby steps, kids. Baby steps.
1:36 PM
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