Whatever, Productivity

Whatever, Productivity
The summer is nearing to an end, and in my chronic status of being a student, that means it's almost time to start school again, and return to my job(s). Many in my field have stayed to attend summer school or have remained employed through the summer months. However, in my defense, it's not for lack of trying that I am unemployed in the state of California, as a 3-month stint as a behavioral therapist is not preferred by employers and parents alike. As a result, productivity this summer has been dodgy, at best. I have participated in my share of (pro bono) consults, done some research on the side in preparation for my Master's thesis and have taken part in an intensive training regiment, gaining 10 pounds in muscle weight as a result (ah'thank you)... but most importantly, I have watched an unholy amount of trash TV.

My love for the likes of Big Brother, Shot at Love and Beauty and the Geek is not a secret. However, while those are relatively well-known shows on mainstream networks, it is shows that one finds when they have a lot of time on their hands and too many cable channels, which are the true hidden gems. Under these ideal conditions, endlessly entertaining specimens of trash TV are discovered, such as Tool Academy and STAG: A Test of Love, can be appreciated. But it is by pure serendipity that I was able to discover the sheer garbage that is Whatever Martha.

One typically lazy night, I was appreciating a vintage episode of Iron Chef on Fine Living Network. Now, I usually appreciate my Iron Chef, or its far less superior sibling Iron Chef America, on Food Network, but for some reason, the old-school Japanese-dubbed-in-English version is only shown on Fine Living nowadays. After the final verdict in which Iron Chef Sakai defeated challenger Toshiro in Battle Lotus Root, I had a strange craving for Dikon radishes and cod roe, and when I returned, Martha Stewart's bitchy daughter Alexis and her Jabba-esque redheaded friend are sitting on a couch watching the Martha Stewart show and making comments about it along the way.

This inherently has great potential, as Martha Stewart is infinitely mockable, but what begins as somewhat funny commentary quickly mutates into learning about Alexis' resentment for her childhood, her overt narcissism, bordering on nymphomania and comments implying deep daddy issues which make Jabba very uncomfortable. The viewer quickly discovers who the alpha dog is in this friendship, as you watch Alexis break Jabba's seashell frame, which they're putting together along with Martha Stewart, when it starts to look better than hers. It's also quickly apparent that Jabba probably started looking, and eating, like Jabba when she began her friendship with soul-crushing sociopath Alexis Stewart.



I'm not sure if anyone has spoken about marshmallows with the kind of lust that Jabba exhibits, other than perhaps with Alexis regarding her latest prey in the form of a limo driver who speaks English as a third language.

While I continue to pan this show, which barely qualifies as one, I do realize that I am the one (male) who has watched it so I am as culpable watching it as Jake and the Fatman are hosting it.

Suffice it to say, I think I've set myself back a few months on my Master's thesis just by watching 40 or so minutes of Whatever Martha. It's time to get back to basic cable, paychecks and normal productivity.