The Jazzy Bahsoun

Life's our oyster and we're gonna suck that bitch down with a champagne chaser.

Behavioral Therapist
MA Developmental Psychology, Columbia
BS Psychobiology/ French, UCLA

Shelfari: Book reviews on your book blog

Movies to See:
Mission Impossible
Haywire
Shame
A Dangerous Method
Underworld:Awakening

TV Shows to Watch:
Portlandia
The Life & Times of Tim

Book to Read:
Game of Thrones
by George R.R. Martin

Album to Listen to:
The Black Keys
El Camino

Person to Hate:
Newt Gingrich

Group of People to Despise:
Fox & Friends

Bitchin Links

Blogs and Writers of Note

Mary's Website

Mary's Blog

Ravi's Blog

Lauren's Blog

Cheryl's LiveJournal

TV Squad

The Soup

Cracked

Best Week Ever

The Chive

On Location Vacations

Cute Overload

Michael Moore's Blog

Joel Stein Columns

Maureen Dowd Columns

Secular Coalition of America

Richard Dawkins

Personal Stuff

My Facebook

My Twitter

My YouTube Videos

My DVD Collection

My Books

Machatz Self-Defense

For Politics and Political Satire

The Huffington Post

Salon.com

Politico

The Daily Beast

The Onion

The Colbert Nation

Truthdig

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart

For Entertainment

Ain't It Cool News

IGN

Rotten Tomatoes

DVD Active

Movie Stinger

AdTunes

The Daily Wav

Movie Mistakes

For Humor and Other Things

HuffPost Comedy

Funny or Die

The Lonely Island

Shit My Dad Says

F My Life

Daily Python

College Humor

Super Mario Crossover

People of Walmart

E-Mails from an Asshole

Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster

God Checker

Church Sign Maker

Strong Bad Email

Japander: See Actors Embarrass Themselves Abroad

Landover Baptist Church: Jesus Loves You Sometimes

For Bruins

The Daily Bruin

Bruins Nation

Bruin Basketball Report

UCLA Bruin Marching Band: The Solid Gold Sound

The REAL $UC Application

Old Stuff

March 2003
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Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Avada Kedouche
I am a geek. I am a nerd. I am a fanboy. I follow things associated with movies, television, books and video games much too closely, and I am very good at it. As such, due to the time and (some might call unhealthy amount of) effort, I take activities such as seeing the season finale of a show or, say, going to see a movie for the first time very seriously. That is, timeliness is essential, distractions during the film are unacceptable, the light from your texting on your cellphone will raise my blood pressure, bathroom breaks are inconceivable and I might become homicidal if any of these stipulations are violated.

Take my recent outing to see "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2." Now this series is a special case, as it has seen nearly a decade of film watching and almost 8 years (in my case) of book reading. That translates to a lot of time investment. The screening of the film was preceded, naturally, by the purchasing of tickets a week in advance, a viewing of Part 1 and departing for the theater in a timely manner, particularly due to carmageddon. We arrived to the theater with plenty of time, settled in our seats and prepared ourselves for a tremendous cinematic experience a decade in the making. All of my aforementioned prerequisites for seeing a geek-infused film were followed to the T.

Except for twenty.

Now, if you're going to show up to a movie late, even after 25 minutes of previews, fine, but it is a generally accepted social convention that you shut the fuck up as you enter the theater. That includes talking (you don't have to say "excuse me" when passing people, honestly) and walking in 9-inch clogs. Also, while the house lights may have been dimmed due to the movie, there is still full visibility, thus you do not need a god damn motherfracking FLASHLIGHT to find your way to your clearly visible seat. Next, once you find your seat, it is also common sense that you TURN OFF SAID FLASHLIGHT and kindly not SHINE IT PEOPLE'S FACES as they are trying to immerse themselves in the final chapter of the Potter-verse.

Alright, so you've galloped into the theater in your Swedish footwear, dilated everyone's pupils and sat your fat ass down. The apex of your extreme ignorance, rudeness and overall stupidfuckocity must have been reached right? Wrong. Need I also remind you that a film screening is not a prudent venue to rifle through your oversized purse for even more snacks packaged in cacophonous plastic wrap, which you are clearly incapable of opening in under 7 minutes, in order to maximize your already titanic, insulin-spiking caloric intake for the evening.

Alright so that's over and done with. Harry has located another horcrux to destrOH WAIT YOU NEED TO SHINE THE FLASHLIGHT IN EVERYONE'S FACES AGAIN, DON'T YOU!? Is it that you cannot properly see the popcorn that you are stuffing into your greasy maw? No, by all means, please shake the bag of popcorn some more and pour it into two other boxes. Jesus assfucking Christ.

It's the end of the movie. It was brilliant. We survived the onslaught of unbridled idiocy that embodied our theater companion. What's there left to do? Verbally berate that piece of gutter trash who took away from an absolute perfect cinematic experience.

"HEY LADY! That was a really cool flashlight! Where did you get it?! Can I see it??"
"..."

Oh she doesn't speak English? That's even better. Wait, you're now turning to my friend who was telling me she doesn't speak English to call her immature?!

It's people like that who demand that we need Death Eaters in this world.

And not the kind that are in the Republican Party.

3:46 AM
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Monday, May 16, 2011
A Love Letter to Eugene the Post Office Guy

Dear Eugene the Post Office Guy,
I see you on a pretty regular basis, maybe once every 2-3 weeks, over the past 10 or so years. I'm usually mailing an item I sold on eBay, a letter to the Superior Court of California disputing a traffic violation or some headshots for my girlfriend.

So why is it that you insist on asking me before I mail a letter or package if it contains, "liquids, perishables, hazardous materials, or explosives," regardless of the size or weight of the package. My answer is always, and will always, be "no."

Do you think that I have been coming to your post office for 10 years, mailing DVDs, Xbox games and angry letters, in order to slowly but surely gain your trust, so that one day when you, Eugene, have finally become my dear friend, close enough that you do not ask me if my package contains liquids, perishables, hazardous materials or explosives, that I will exploit that relationship I have been working on for all these years, in order to mail that canister of liquid mercury through parcel post, since after all these years of knowing you I couldn't manage to mail that item, because I just couldn't bring myself to lie to you?

As much as it pains me to say, I was not trying to get you to warm up to me, Eugene.

And do you know what else, Eugene? I wouldn't tell you if I was mailing those items even if I was. Do you know why? Because I never hear you ask that question to anyone else but me. I wait in line every couple of weeks, listening to your interactions with the other customers and not once do you ask them if they are potential terrorists. So if my middle-eastern ass wants to mail something perishable or hazardous, I ain't telling you.

That sponge cake I want to mail to Alpharetta, Georgia? You'll never know about it.

So wipe that self-satisfied smirk that appears on your face every time you ask me that question, because no matter how much you fantasize about it, you are not working at a covert anti-terrorist branch of the government. You work at the post office.

Eugene.

Lots of love,
Pasha

7:24 PM
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Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Hip to Be Square
One of the very few (VERY few) advantages that New York has on Los Angeles is the nightlife. It's easy to just go out and find somewhere in one of the various hipster locales in Manhattan, without the woes of parking and traffic. That doesn't mean that nightlife in L.A. is non-existent... it's just hard to get to.

Now, people who know me well, know that I'm a big clubbing kinda guy (Read: Not a clubbing guy at all) and so when the opportunity arises to go to some such hip place that the kids have been talkin' about, I go for it.

And that is how, after going to a play at the Mark Taper Forum downtown a few weeks back, me and the lady decided to stick around downtown L.A. to check out the night scene, since we're never down there. With the help of Foursquare and the girlfriend's hip inclinations, we decided we would "hit up" The Edison.

There are few legends I believe, not least of which is the secret alleyway entry to nightclubs, only beknownst to a select few, such as the secret supermodel club George Costanza finds on "Seinfeld."

Also, the existence of bouncers.

Turns out the Edison has both of these. When the handy dandy GPS on my smartphone led us straight into an apartment building, where the Edison was clearly not located, we decided to think like a someone with street cred. "If I were a hipster, how would I enter a hot night spot.... Of course! Inside a nondescript door in an alleyway."

Which is precisely where it was, in the alley adjacent to the apartment building we attempted to break in to.

About 30 feet from the door a vertically challenge female bouncer approached me. The uncool alarm sounded in my brain, citing, "Oh shit! She knows I'm not hip."

Turns out, I had offended the alley in some other fashion.... literally.

"I'm sorry sir, but we only allow athletic shoes after 7pm."
"But I am wearing athletic shoes."
"I mean, we do not allow athletic shoes after 7pm."

At that moment, I was thinking two things. One, that this bitch is changing her story on me cause I'm not cool enough for her little club. And two, that my True Religion sneakers that I was wearing were way more expensive than my black dress shoes that I bought at Payless.

As we proceeded to consult Foursquare for our backup hip locale, I spotted a tall latino entering with black sneakers. In my whiniest voice possible, I said to the power-hungry female bouncer, "Heeeey, that guy is wearing athletic shoes. How come you're letting him in?"
"Oh uh well....he came... then left..... oh alright."

And just like that, with a tattle tale and a whine, we were in.

I have to say that despite the over-zealous female bouncer, the place was totally happenin'. We enjoyed dining and drinking, while being served by 2 chopsticks with breasts, who I thought was named Ivanka, but was probably named Candace or something, and observing what could only be summarized as a "Koreans-who-wear-skirts-so-short-you-can-see-their-bellybuttons" conference at the adjacent table. Upon observing this table for about a half hour, and seeing how they positioned their tiny frames onto the seats, the girlfriend remarked, "That Korean girl's vagina is touching her seat right now.... Ew I just touched my seat with my hand!!"

I also observed at least 5 other hipster douches wearing athletic shoes.

We still managed to have a good time, without getting bottle service, blacking out or being roofied. Even so, I believe my hip rating got kicked up a notch or two.

But then I tripped on my way out, and I was back to normal again.

12:21 AM
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Saturday, February 26, 2011
Oscar the Grouch
The 37th self-congratulatory awards ceremony of the entertainment industry airs tomorrow night. But who cares but the bigwigs in the so-called "Academy" think. I, like any other self-respecting narcissist, only care about that my own opinions are heard and adhered by.

Therefore, in order to show up tomorrow's events, here are 2 lists of films. One is the top 10 films of the year, according to moi, and the next is the top 10 most entertaining (for whatever reason) movies. Also, a benefit to these lists is I will not mention a dress designer ever.

I usually attempt some from of Ebert-esque commentary for each film, "Cinematography, art direction, acting choices blah blah blah," but I don't feel like doing that this year, so instead I'll have a brief sentence or two for each film.

We'll start with the top 10 most entertaining/guilty pleasure movies of 2010. These weren't the best "films," per se, which is why I call them movies, but are either a ton of fun to watch, whether that's because there are multiple explosions, extreme saccharine or for its overall ludicrosity (triple word score).

Top 10 Guilty Pleasures of 2010

10. PRINCE OF PERSIA: THE SANDS OF TIME
It's not much of a compliment to say this is the best movie based on a video game I've seen, nor does it add much that a white jew from Orange County plays the Persian prince. It's just honestly fun to watch, if for nothing else than to witness the further demise of Ben Kingsley's career.

9. THE TOURIST
An absolutely ridiculous, silly movin' picture, but Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp are good-looking folks running around fantastic looking locales, saying ridiculous things about ridiculous plot points. That's a winner in my book.

8. PARANORMAL ACTIVITY 2
I don't usually go for horror films, but this movie (and its predecessor), which I label a thriller before a horror movie, profoundly creeps me out, as my girlfriend laughs in the corner. They've improved on the found footage formula pioneered by The Blair Witch Project.

7. IRON MAN 2
Not nearly in the league of the first movie, but it's faithful to its comic book origins, and has cast Robert Downey Jr. perfectly as Tony Stark. Also, Scarlet Johnansson.

6. BABIES
Film babies doing stuff in different countries. If you like babies (and if you don't, you are a heartless demon), you will like this movie. Plus it's like 70 minutes long.

5. GET HIM TO THE GREEK
Some people don't like Russell Brand. I do. Puff Diddy Daddy Combs is oddly hilarious. This movie is hilarious. Watch it.

4. TRON LEGACY
I am not a fan of the original Tron but for some reason I loved this film. It has an amazing look to it and is a twist on the action genre. Also, Olivia Wilde.

3. LEGEND OF THE GUARDIAN: THE OWLS OF GA'HOOLE
Armed owls. Slow-motion. Owl City. Gizzards. LSD. Brilliance.

2. HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON
This movie makes you actually want to train a dragon, and has even set up a whole dragon mythology behind the story. Bring on the sequel, please.

1. KICK-ASS
Do you watch superhero films, but wish there were more 11-year old girls dismembering bad guys while calling them c*nts? Then this brilliant twist on the superhero genre, also based on a comic book, is a must-see.

Onto the award contenders. These movies are "films" that are slightly more noteworthy than the aforementioned due to their lasting effect on the viewer (i.e. me, and whoever I saw these with), for days and weeks after watching them. I should note that I haven't had the opportunity to see all of the so-called acclaimed films of 2010, namely The King's Speech, True Grit and 127 Hours.... so sue me.

First, the honorable mentions that came close, but did not make the list, but are nonetheless excellent films: The American, The Kids are All Right, The Town, Shutter Island, Greenberg

Top 10 Films of 2010

10. THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO
If you've read the books, you know that the stories and characters Stieg Larsson created are fascinating and engrossing, and the Swedish films capture this electricity perfectly.

9. CATFISH
The other Facebook movie this year is as haunting as it is hilarious and will have you discussing its ending for weeks.

8. THE FIGHTER
This isn't the stereotypical boxing movie of the 70s and 80s. It's got sex, drugs, a bizarre family, Christian Bale AND it's based on a true story.

7. LET ME IN
Basically a carbon copy of the Swedish original, and the second Chloe Grace Moretz film on my lists (the other being Kick-Ass), if you want a horror film that isn't repulsive torture-porn or a campy slasher or anything with Kristen Stewart, this is the film for you. The Swedes are taking over.

6. GHOST WRITER
I know it's hard to ignore that this movie is directed by Roman Polanski, but if you can, this is a very interesting perspective of corrupt world leaders, from the perspective of, you guessed it, a ghost writer.

5. SCOTT PILGRIM VS. THE WORLD
This takes the superhero, based on a graphic novel genre, infuses wit, over the top action, a love story and video game references to make the most enjoyable movie-watching experience I've had in a very long time.

4. TOY STORY 3
I watched the first Toy Story approximately 845 times on VHS when I was a young one (and old one) therefore this franchise is special to me. Can CGI toys make you cry? Yes. Yes they can.

3. THE SOCIAL NETWORK
Back in my day, I was on Facebook when it was The Facebook and it was only Ivy League schools, Berkeley, Stanford and UCLA. This film brought me back to the good ol' days of 2004 when I would go on the then The Facebook (bluh) in the computer labs at UCLA between classes. However, this is not really a Facebook movie, and more a courtroom drama, with the help of Aaron Sorkin.

2. INCEPTION
When was the last time you thought of an idea as innovative and creative as the premise behind this film? The answer is never. People have said that they think the ending is campy or cheesy or a cop-out, but I found it to be truly affecting.

1. BLACK SWAN
An honest, oftentimes disturbing and vivid insight into the psyche of someone suffering from self-injurious tendencies/behaviors, in the context of professional ballet. The line between fantasy and reality is blurred, as many scenes feel like a hallucination as much to the characters as to the audience. The much-talked about sex scenes are fantastic, but are not what the audience should take away from the film.

So forget whatever happens tomorrow. The picks that really matter are on this list... that approximately 3 people will read (myself included twice).

5:06 PM
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Wednesday, February 09, 2011
Streets of Rage (and Douches)
The following is both a cautionary tale, and a how-to guide, on dealing with the road ragers of Los Angeles. It will, as most things in my life, be explained through the magic of the anecdote.

I should warn you that the language utilized in this story is crude, but is taken verbatim from the actual interaction I'm about to describe.

Viewer discretion.... is ill-advised.

Driving on La Cienega Blvd. in Los Angeles, at rush hour, is a lofty prospect by itself...but when a douche so profound, so erudite crosses your path, it makes the commute all the more... lofty.... and interesting.

Picture this: a Toyota FJ Cruiser (which if you haven't seen one is the most effeminate of the already prickish SUVs on the market), driving exactly parallel to myself in bumper to bumper traffic. The aforementioned girly SUV then proceeds to attempt to merge onto my lane, while still parallel to my car. I swerve away and honk. Idiot didn't see me, whatever. He then tries again, I swerve and honk, with emphasis this time.

Attempt #3. I decide this man (it's obviously a man) is homicidal or mentally incapacitated, and I don't want my beautiful car to be damaged so I will honk with emphasis while braking to a full stop while traffic moves forward around me, and the small-penis'd creature careens in front of me. With great serendipity, we arrive at a red light, parallel to each other once again.

His window rolls down. My window rolls down.

I get the conversation, which is sure to be intellectual and civilized, going.

"Are you out of your fucking mind?!"
"Fuck you motherfucker."

It is then that I think to myself that this guy is a white, past middle-age, douchedemon, with, at most, an at-birth education (that is, the intellect of a just born baby). If we were to get into an "Eff you," flip each other off match, nothing will be accomplished. But if I can openly mock him it would be oh so satisfying. Because believe me we had spectators at the intersection of La Cienega and Airdrome (what a terrible street name).

So he continues the conversation, whilst leaning out his window and has chosen to pair his expletives with not only the middle finger, but also the slap-bicep, lift-forearm-up gesture, multiple times.

I choose, rather than to match his bumbling ridiculousity, to bounce up and down in my seat, arms akimbo to my side, in an effort to mimic the ape-like brutishness of his demeanor. So, if you will, picture his lines of dialogue (because this is a theatrical farce at this point) with his gestures and my lines with ape motions.

"Fuck you, motherfucker!"
"Fucka fucka fucka fucka fucka fucka fucka."
"FUUUUCKKK YOOOOOOOOOUUU ASSSSHOOOOLLLE!!!"
"Fucka fucka fucka fucka fucka fucka fucka fuckaaaa."
"SUCK!!!"
"Fucka fucka?"
"MY!!!!"
"Fucka fucka fucka."
"DICK!!!!"
"Fucka fucka. Sorry I'm not gay! Fucka."

Green light.

Not to toot my own horn, but the look of bafflement and dissatisfaction on his face was OH so satisfying to me. It is so much better than exchanging some middle fingers and vulgarities then driving off, which really stoops you down to any given assclown's level.

And the coup de grace: As I passed him and he attempted to yell something back at me, I rolled up my window and continued to bounce, hoping that he would see in my exaggerated behavior, his own primitive behavior.

What I attempted to do that night, was cathartic for myself who finds the act of flipping someone off very demeaning to myself, and also, ironically, a big "Fuck you" to all the douchebags on the road, without actually having to use profanity.

Fucka, after all, is ape for, "I'm an educated intellectual and you're a maladroit neanderthal.... motherfucker."

12:44 AM
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Friday, December 31, 2010
Unresolved Resolution
As the first decade of the millennium winds down, I came to the startling realization that it has taken exactly 10 years for me to graduate from high school, graduate from college and graduate from graduate school. I started high school in the '99-'00 school year, the first year of the decade, graduated in '03; started at UCLA in '03, graduated in '07; started at Teachers College in '08 and graduated in '10, the last year of the decade. But as of now, other than being slightly taller, slightly smarter, slightly hairier, with cat and with lady, I am pretty much in the same position. I'm still out of work and spending more money than I actually have. Three degrees, a thesis and three years of work experience later, I'm back at square one.

It's not all bad though. I've gotten really good at writing cover letters, watching movies and playing video games. I also have time to ponder the important questions in life such as, "What is mayonnaise? Where does it come from?" and come to ground-breaking realizations such as if you read off the lyrics to the "Growing Pains" theme song, in a low, Hannibal Lecter-esque voice, it will sound like a serial killer whispering to his latest victim.

Therefore, in the New Year, the obvious resolution would be to get a job. But that would be implying that it is not something I've resolved to do prior to 1/1/11. Isn't the point of a resolution to enact a change on your life?

So I decided to take suggestions regarding potential resolutions.

That was a mistake.

The girlfriend, after reflecting on my various self-gifts this holiday season, in the form of DVDs, video games, DVDs, Blu Rays and video games, decides that I should resolve to abstain from buying anything for myself that I don't "need" for a month. First off, a month I can do. Second, I don't "need"? Of course I don't "need" them.... but I want them so so badly.

And then she escalated it. "Maybe you should think about why these objects make you happy. Do you think you would be any less happy without them?"

YES! I would be!

Now granted, I am a materialistic consuming fiend, and I acknowledge I do not need a 200+ DVD collection. But what is it that one actually needs? You don't need clothes, makeup, books, fingernail clippers, underwear and computers. But they make modern life so much easier and add to one's quality of life. They are creature comforts.

And relegated to pseudo-housewife, this creature needs to be comforted.

But I guess I'll stick to the original plan of not buying anything for a month.

...Mainly because the girlfriend changed my eBay and Amazon.com passwords.

2:50 PM
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Tuesday, December 07, 2010
Labelmaker 2010
It's been about a month since the election. I don't know if you noticed, but I was bit engulfed in flames over it (the literal kind, not the euphemism kind). But that fervor has calmed itself a bit.

I can't say the same about the pundits though. Commentators from both sides have been throwing around words lately using labels to define an entire party or a person's ideology. I was not familiar with many of these terms... so I naturally Googled them (you thought I was gonna Bing them, I know).

But fear not, loyal reader, you don't have to use Google (or Bing, as it were), because I'm here to give you the true meaning of each of these terms, to the best of my ability, as well as other labels that have been over-used, of late.

Moderate
This is the wishy-washy political stance taken by people who don't actually follow politics. The people who define themselves as "Moderates" are the same people who, when given the choice of cup or cone, choose cone inside a cup. Cone is too "out there" for them, and cup is too boring. So a cone inside a cup is the lily-livered, safe choice.

Editor's Note: I hate to break it to you, but Moderatism is dead. There is only Liberal and (unfortunately) Conservative. Whenever anyone tries to do anything Moderate in the government, it doesn't work, or is lambasted by the extremes on either side. So pick a side people. We're at war.

Progressive
Defined as one who cares about social change, the use of science and technology for the betterment of mankind, civil rights, women's rights and the right to eat ice cream.

Another Editor's Note: I've got news for you, every movement in this country that did anything to change it for the better, from the Civil Rights movement to woman's right to vote to woman's right to choose, were progressive movements. Now if you're watching Fox News, the Progressive movement is synonymous with the march to the Apocalypse (literally). So basically if you are for civil rights, scientific research in medicine and technology and care about human beings in general, you are Progressive. If you're not, then Jesus hates your guts (but he loves you).

Conservative
Should I even bother?

Conservative
Alright fine. If you are someone who seeks to cut taxes for the rich, likes spending billions of dollars on various bombs and jets that are never used, is against civil liberties, science, the rights of women and minorities, is, in general, racist, and loves Jesus....ya might be a redneck. I mean conservative. Oh and also white.

Compassionate Conservative
Remember this awesome term made popular by the last guy? It refers to a Republican who is pandering to a Liberal audience. It doesn't actually reflect any personal belief in progressive policies or, you know, compassion.

Log Cabin Republican
This term refers to nihilistic homosexual people. That is, homosexuals who are against their own personal existence, and the existence of people like them. This description can be applied to "Low-Middle Class Republicans," "Mexican Republicans" and "African-American Republicans" as well.

Blue Dog Democrat
A democrat who is a sell out to the Republican party. (Can also be labeled "Republican.")

Now let's move on out of the political arena, to other prevalent labels.

Foodie
This term refers to one who enjoys the practice of looking at, researching and, ultimately, eating food. This term is popularized by obnoxiously loud, and often obese, Americans who describe themselves as being passionate about food. They separate themselves from other people who eat food, by endlessly talking about the food they have sought out and are eating. They are also characterized by their lack of knowledge of those in the world who are not able to look at, research or eat food.

Dog Person
One who seeks a submissive creature to offset their otherwise inability to impose control on any other aspects of their lives. Also can be characterized by one who enjoys physical proximity and having physical contact with feces.

Cat Person
One who seeks an adorable, fluffy creature to make themselves feel like they have no self-worth. Typically classified as single, white women or the unemployed.

Agnostic
The cowardly, safe choice between religiousness and atheism. Can also be labeled as "Future Atheist" or "Was Once Molested by a Priest."

And finally...

The Person Who Says They "Don't like labels."
This person is characterized by an overall air of pretentiousness and pomposity. Ironically, many labels can be applied to these people such as, "Douche," "Tool," "Anarchist," and/or "Libertarian."

I hope this guide was helpful to you all. If we put in as little time and energy into changing this world for the better, as I spent making this list ... well, we'd be where we are right now.

4:10 PM
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Wednesday, November 03, 2010
Republicans Won, You Lost

First off, my first post (and subsequent series of posts) after a long hiatus was going to be about my road trip across the country. But tonight's election has led me to write/rant about something else.

Second, thank you California, New York, Delaware, Nevada, Connecticut and (oddly enough) West Virginia. You have rightfully rejected the filthy rich, the bigoted, the Wiccan, the racist, the wrestler's filthy rich wife and the Tea Party.

And to the rest of the country, namely Kentucky, Ohio, Florida, South Carolina, Arizona and pretty much the entire sub-literate middle and southern portions of the country...

Are you fracking stupid?

I'm sorry, let me rephrase. Are you fracking willfully ignorant, stupid assholes?

The answer must be yes. Because if you would get your heads out of your Fox News inhaling, Rush Limbaugh touting, Sarah Palin suckling asses, you would know that every vote you cast for the GOP is a vote AGAINST your interests. AGAINST your middle-class, workin' man, Joe the Plumber daily needs. You think the Sarah Palin party of Tea Baggers represents you, the "middle of the road" folks? Does a middle of the road kinda guy make 14 million dollars for speaking in Iowa, like Sarah Palin did? Does a Joe the Plumber think that corporations and millionaires deserve tax cuts, at the price of the middle to lower class, like soon to be Speaker Boehner does?

Those of you voting for Republicans, and against "elitist" liberals, because you think they'll look out for your interests, are going to find out they voted in Republicorp, a hellish amalgamation of Republicans and corporations. On what backwards planet do you believe that the multimillionaires who rule the GOP are at all interested in you? Who's actually the elitist party here? The party of CEOs and corporations, or the party of progressives who are providing for middle-class America, and taking away from 6 and 7 figure America.

Do you really think that the Bush tax cuts were a good thing just because you got a single $300 check in the mail? News Flash: Under Obama, each and every one of you received a substantial tax cut. Only, it didn't come in the form of a check, as a way to say "Hey middle America, the Republicans care about you!" It came in the form of decreased taxes being taken out of every single paycheck you receive. Just because you don't comprehend simple arithmetic, doesn't mean it doesn't work in your favor. It's not shocking that you have more NFL statistics in your repertoire than you do information about real issues that affect your future.

Did you know that the four filthiest, richest (and Republican) candidates running for governor and senate (Meg Whitman, Carly Fiorina, Rick Scott and Linda MacMahon) collectively spent over a QUARTER OF A BILLION DOLLARS on their respective campaigns. And they all (except for Rick Scott which at this point is too close to call) LOST! That's over A QUARTER OF A BILLION DOLLARS for NOTHING. That's A QUARTER OF A BILLION DOLLARS that could have gone towards education or healthcare.

Speaking of socialist policies, it's likely that the Orange Speaker of the House Boehner is going to shove through those aforementioned tax cuts (which are again AGAINST your economic interests) and will also work to repeal healthcare. With the new majority, these will pass without fail, barring the President's likely veto. Is that working for your interests, by stifling the functionality of Washington? I guess you got your wish for small government.

For those of you morons who said, "Keep your government hands of my medicare," did you know that the healthcare bill cut prescription drug costs by 50% for medicare recipients? Or that kids can't be rejected for pre-existing conditions anymore? Or that kids can stay on their parent's plan until the age of 26? Is that too socialist for you? Does that not line up with your Christian ideals? You rally against socialism, but I really don't think you know what socialist actually means.

Also, Jesus was a socialist.

Oh by the way, President Obama also provided the Department of Veterans Affairs with more than $1.4 billion to improve services to America's Veterans. He also signed the Children's Health Insurance Reauthorization Act, which provides health care to 11 million kids -- 4 million of whom were previously uninsured, provided $12.2 Billion in new funding for Individuals With Disabilities Act, signed the Christopher and Dana Reeve Paralysis Act, the first piece of comprehensive legislation aimed at improving the lives of Americans living with paralysis, signed financial reform law establishing a Consumer Financial Protection Bureau to look out for the interests of everyday Americans.... and countless other vitally important things that you were too busy watching Fox News to learn about.

Republicans want to cut discretionary spending, but won't actually name anything they'll cut. They won't cut medicare, social security (both socialist policies), defense (because we need 42 billion dollar fighter jets for all those dog fights we get into), healthcare, veterans funding or education. So what's left? The only way to balance the budget by 2020, while simultaneously (a) making the Bush tax cuts permanent and (b) protecting all the programs Republicans say they won’t cut, is to completely abolish the rest of the federal government: No more national parks, no more Small Business Administration loans, no more export subsidies, no more N.I.H. No more Medicaid (one-third of its budget pays for long-term care for our parents and others with disabilities). No more child health or child nutrition programs. No more highway construction. No more homeland security. Oh, and no more Congress.

Is that the middle of the road, fight for mainstream, Sarah Palin, John Boehner Mitch McConnell

America you were looking for?

Speaking of Mitch "Yertel the Turtle" McConnell, do you know what he stated what his most important goal was in the Senate for the next two years? Was it to find jobs for the unemployed? Was it to stimulate the economy?

If you said, "Yes, the Republican leadership fights for my rights as a citizen!" then you're a Hannity watching, Glenn Beck worshiping ignoramus.

His primary goal, by his own statement, is to get Barack Obama out of office.

That's it.

Does that sound like someone who's working for the people?

So you wanted to take back the country from the socialist president?

Well the House, at least, was taken back... and away from you.

But you've got your guns and religion to stick to... so... good luck with that.

3:38 AM
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Friday, August 13, 2010
Truckin' Like Bunnies
As this is the final post I will be writing from the sometimes frozen, sometimes boiling, always dirty, always mean, city of Manhattan, I feel it is apropos to write about how I am going to get the hell out of here, and that is by the bizarre, tedious human practice of moving.

While normal, sane people, when moving cross-country, would most likely ship their belongings and fly to their destination, I, as the young, impulsive, invincible type, have chosen the alternative of driving a big-ass truck (that's taken from the truck company's website) and driving it across the country. Partially inspired by Jack Kerouac, and otherwise inspired by seeing a moving truck company with their company name and motto emblazoned on the side of their vehicle: "Rabbit Movers: Truckin' Like Bunnies," we have created an itinerary which will be closely followed on our trek from the elitist East Coast, through the moral Midwest, down through the kinda weird and racist middle part, over to the elitist (but better) West Coast.

However, one substantial obstacle stands in our way, other than 4000 miles or so of land, and that is getting all of our belongings down from our 5th floor apartment of a 5-story walk-up, to street level and into a truck. And despite my impressive musculature, it is rather impossible for me to navigate a 7 foot tall, 200 pound entertainment center.

Enter Craigslist.

A kindly ad was posted at 12:30 AM, offering $150 for two burly people to help us move our stuff down from our apartment.

At 12:32 AM, I had 865 responses.

I received many responses that were cordial and normal. Others were not.

call me we are two people

If you're trying to get a job, you should probably work on your charisma and descriptiveness. All I'm saying is a "hi" wouldn't hurt.

Hi,

My name is Daisuke and I'm an 18 year old male. I've done moving gigs on craigslist and I'm glad to see that you are not offering slave labor rates.
I'm going to college soon so I've been doing a lot of gigs recently. If you need my help on Monday I would be very responsible, efficient, and competent.
I played football in HS so I can deal with heavy loads. If you give me the right directions for moving the large furniture I should be very able for the job.

I use a blackberry so if you want to make last minute changes, I can answer quickly.
I have a resume and picture on file if you need them.

Thanks for your time and consideration.

An attempt to be charming and prove his physical worth to me...but too much information overall. Keep it short and sweet next time. Also, directions for moving the furniture? That would be towards the door and down 5 flights of stairs, Dragonball.

Then it got more interesting.

I am a young female interested in helping youu move your things into the truck pleasee contact me backk with further infoo

Not to be sexist, but I was totally not expecting the ladies to respond. I would have hired her on the spot, but the girlfriend vetoed.

hi im an xmover

Again, work on the tact. It's like these people don't want to move heavy crap down stairs for an hour.

I am very in helping u move furniture.

I'm not sure what you're trying to say. This sounds like a pick-up line.

Hello I'm Marvin Jackson I would love to help you We have
refernces also and load a good truck ! We are strong and clean shaven
movers

There we go! That's some of the charm I'm looking for. Also, Marvin Jackson sounds like a... strong... name.

But then came, as the French might call, le coup de grâce. The finishing blow, to end all mover responses to my Craigslist ad.

Hey man, hows it going? I'm a college student home for the summer, almost 20 can lift up to/ in slight excess of 100 lbs, I'm very interested in this position. I really hope to do this tomorrow morning , maybe around 10:30am?

Best Wishes,

Ok, again an awkward introduction followed by overly descriptive notes about his alleged physique. He also got the day wrong, but I'll let it slide.

But then I scrolled further.

Let's, just for a moment, ignore the serial killer grimace, the expansive bookshelf in the background that indicates this is his mother's house and the pasty white arm matter that couldn't lift 100 pounds if his Larry the Cable Guy DVD collection depended on it . Let's, instead draw our attention to the portrait of two, possibly three, Yorkshire Terriers behind this fellow.

Everything about you scares me, sir. And I could only think of one possible response to his email...

YOU'RE HIRED!

9:47 PM
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Sunday, June 06, 2010
The Photo Archives
Being the eternal cynic, finding satire and stupidity in many things we humans decide to write, photograph or say on a daily basis, I acquire a large amount of articles, quotations and photographs. Some of these I get a chance to comment on or post about, but others fall through the cracks, leaving them unlampooned.

Until now.

Mind you, the following photographs, either taken by yours truly or discovered on the internets, have little to no relation to each other, thus they may be described as "random," so I'm going to number them just to avoid any confusion.

1) We hear a lot about people pegging their personal problems, from unemployment to obesity to pedophilia on "the economy." This has led to people cutting back on their budgets.

Not for the people who frequent the useless establishment of "Sephora" though!

That's not in pesos, folks. I love Paris in the springtime. I love Paris in the summer. I'm even affectionate of Paris in the fall. However, Clarins Paris, I do not love your exploitation of insecure, possibly mentally handicapped, female customers of your overpriced skin cream. You might as well put that money towards a Botox treatment if you're that worried about wrinkles and "moisture."

As an aside, can anyone tell me what the hell an "antioxidant" is? Anyone? That's because they don't exist.

2) So....I love a bit of tasteful racism and stereotypes as much as the next guy...

This product, which I assume is trying to cater to those people who don't have access to their very own, real life Asian to assist them whenever they try to make Chicken fried rice at home. Either that, or they'd rather spend $5 on imitation fried rice, rather than $5 on fried rice from a Chinese restaurant. Although, look on the bright side...

...at least the Hamburger Helper mascot doesn't have slanty eyes for his Asian iteration.

3) Halloween costumes are expensive. And unless you're one of those people who goes to costume parties other days of the year, those costumes are useless for every other day but Halloween. Therefore, the past two years, I've found part or all of my costume on eBay. (It's the economy, guys.)

Many sellers on eBay who sell costumes are actual costume stores around the country. Others are people like me who sell their costumes from the previous year to make back some cash.

Other other people are like this guy who think it's a great idea to pose in a picture of the costume they are hoping to sell.

I'm glad you think you fill out that gladiator costume, what with the sucked in belly, crooked helmet and accessories, but I have to say that the sock on the floor, your dog's tail and random child watching you take this ridiculous picture, kind of take away from the whole "Roman" vibe.

Also this.

Here the overall setting improves...but the view does not.

0 bids.

4)

This is just an adorable picture of two cats forking.

5) As some of you may know, I had a long saga of figuring out a name for my new adopted cat.

Naturally, I Googled cat name ideas after exhausting my mental database of comic book character and "Battlestar Galactica" names.

I did not utilize this guy's service.

I'm not sure what it was about Dr. Jim Kramer....but something about him made me not trust his qualifications on assisting me in naming my cat.

Maybe it's his Bob Villa goatee.

6) Pornography titles are things of comedy gold. But has anyone actually seen "The Texas Vibrator Massacre"? What about "Night of the Giving Head"? You've probably never Netflix'd "Cleavagefield." That's because not many people actually think they exist beyond the realms of comedy.

But then I discovered:

Just sitting on a rack (teehee) at Virgin (teeheehee) Megastore.

Now I swear on my girlfriend sitting 3 feet away from me that I would never watch such depravity....but as a fan of the show, British and American, I would think some fan-service research would be excused? Maybe?

Ow.

7) And finally, a photo that really speaks for itself.

The almost poetic juxtaposition of the different products almost makes you briefly forget about the forthcoming downfall of mankind.

And then you remember....and continue sipping your Big Gulp.

Moral of the photo archives? Same as usual. Humans = self-satirizing to no end.

Cats = adorable.

12:20 AM
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